IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Regular physical exercise plays an important role in maintaining good health. However, despite the known benefits, many people do not engage in regular physical activity. Discuss the reasons for this and suggest possible solutions.

#exercise #role #health #people #activity
In recent days,
people
 have been talking a
lot
 about working out, and it is well-known that
exercise
 plays a crucial role in maintaining a healthy body.
However
,
while
 there are many advantages to exercising, a
lot
 of
people
 are becoming increasingly lazy. In
this
 essay, I will discuss the motivations behind
this
 trend and offer some potential solutions.
Firstly
,
technology
 has affected
people
's lifestyles for a long
time
. Many
people
 used to
exercise
 regularly, but with the development of
technology
, they have become lazy. To illustrate, in many countries,
people
 spend a
lot
 of
time
 watching TV or using smartphones, which leads to a sedentary lifestyle. When you spend your free
time
 on your phone, you will never find the
time
 to
exercise
.
Additionally
, many
people
 face issues from sitting for long periods
while
 watching TV or playing video games, which
further
 discourages physical activity. Another interesting point is that in our lives, we have to take on many responsibilities, which can make it difficult to find
time
 to work out.
For instance
, if you have a job that demands a
lot
 of hours from you, and
then
 you need to look after your family and rest, it becomes nearly impossible to go to the gym.
This
 means it is challenging to balance multiple responsibilities and still find
time
 to
exercise
.
On the other hand
, there are many solutions to overcome
this
 issue.
For example
, governments should encourage
people
 to work out. What I mean is that governments must provide amenities in every neighbourhood to attract
people
 to
exercise
. Another solution is that we must educate ourselves about the importance of sports in our lives.
Additionally
, we must find motivation and push ourselves to
exercise
 regularly. In conclusion,
technology
 has impacted human behaviour, and the development of
technology
 has led to
people
 neglecting their health. Governments should take responsibility and encourage local communities to
exercise
. Personally, I believe that in the future,
people
 will become more aware of the benefits of regular
exercise
.
Submitted by yosf1010 on

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task achievement
To improve the task response further, consider providing more specific examples and elaborating on them to better support your points. Including statistics or studies could also strengthen your arguments.
coherence cohesion
For better coherence and cohesion, work on smoother transitions between paragraphs. Using varied linking phrases can help maintain the reader’s interest and ensure the essay flows well from one point to the next.
introduction conclusion present
The essay presents a clear introduction and a concise conclusion that sums up the main points effectively.
clear comprehensive ideas
The essay addresses the prompt accurately and provides relevant reasons and solutions for the lack of physical exercise.
logical structure
The points are logically structured, making it easy for the reader to follow your reasoning.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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