Some people think that every individuals is responsible for their own healthy lifestyle. Others believe that governments should take care of it. Discuss both view and give your opinion
There is ongoing debate about whether individuals should take
care
of their healthy lifestyle or governments
should care
about this
and I acknowledge the
Correct your spelling
that
people
must look after their health.
First and foremost, healthcare in 21st
century is one Correct article usage
the 21st
the
amazing Change preposition
of the
thing
. Nowadays, many Fix the agreement mistake
things
people
face with deases
problems, Correct your spelling
diseases
that
is why, Correct pronoun usage
which
governments
must provide with
modern equipment which is helpful for patients. Contemporary tools are only available in city Change preposition
apply
center
Change the spelling
centre
hospitals
but in village hospitals
it is not available. Add a comma
hospitals,
That is
why, governments
must update hospitals
every half year, as equipment can be broken or purchase tools which are need
. Wrong verb form
needed
Furthermore
, with development
of modern healthcare, taxes Correct article usage
the development
also
grew and most people
cannot treat
in city Wrong verb form
be treated
hospitals
. For this
factor, government
should decrease taxes, Add an article
the government
that
would be affordable for all patients.
Despite these arguments, some Correct pronoun usage
which
people
still advocate that individuals should care
about themselves. Firstly
, walking in the morning is one the best factors, since walking or running helps people
to be reenergetic
and protect Correct your spelling
energetic
cancer
. Just 30 Change preposition
against cancer
minute
Fix the agreement mistake
minutes
walking
, Change preposition
of walking
from
Change preposition
in
morning
, Add an article
the morning
for instance
, helps brain
to Add an article
the brain
be increase
energy and decline stress. An employee Change the verb form
increase
works
all day in front of Correct pronoun usage
who works
screen
, has Add an article
the screen
a screen
problem
with Add an article
a problem
headache
. To treat, he does not need to take medicine. He needs only 30 Fix the agreement mistake
headaches
minute
Change to a plural noun
minutes
walking
every day. Change preposition
of walking
Moreover
, having a diet is another valid argument. These days, many workers are in a hurry and they forced
to eat snacks or fast food that harm to health. To Add a missing verb
are forced
prevent
, they have to start making a diet. A lunch, from home, take an example, which is helpful to organism to renew. Not only is making a diet helpfulCorrect pronoun usage
prevent this
,
but Remove the comma
apply
also
having a nap helpful too. Most people
do not take break
from their work and their work process will start to decline.
Add an article
a break
To conclude
, governments
must make prices valuable and ensure with innovative apparatus. However
, I still acknowledge merits
of taking Correct article usage
the merits
care
about
Change preposition
of
themselves
>Correct pronoun usage
myself
Submitted by makemoneyizzy16 on
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task achievement
Try to provide a more balanced discussion with equal attention to both viewpoints. Your essay leans slightly more towards government responsibility without equally elaborating on individual responsibility.
task achievement
Develop some of your points further with more specific examples to better support your arguments. For instance, you could provide specific statistics or studies related to healthcare costs or the effects of a healthy lifestyle.
coherence and cohesion
Pay attention to spelling and grammatical errors, such as "deases" (diseases), "reenergetic" (re-energize), and ensure verbs agree with their subjects to enhance clarity and professionalism.
coherence and cohesion
Consider improving transitions between paragraphs for smoother flow. Current transitions could be enhanced for a clearer logical progression and to better link different ideas.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction sets up the discussion effectively by presenting both perspectives, providing a clear basis for exploration of the topic.
coherence and cohesion
You provide a conclusion that summarizes your position well while acknowledging the merits of both sides, which helps in giving a complete response to the task.
task achievement
Using examples, such as the impact of walking on health or the issues with accessing modern healthcare equipment, demonstrates relevant thinking and engagement with the topic.
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