IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that every individuals is responsible for their own healthy lifestyle. Others believe that governments should take care of it. Discuss both view and give your opinion

#people #individuals #lifestyle #governments #care
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There is ongoing debate about whether individuals should take
care
Use synonyms
 of their healthy lifestyle or
governments
Use synonyms
 should
care
Use synonyms
 about
this
Linking Words
 and I acknowledge
the
Correct your spelling
that
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 must look after their health. First and foremost, healthcare in
21st
Correct article usage
the 21st
show examples
 century is one
the
Change preposition
of the
show examples
 amazing
thing
Fix the agreement mistake
things
show examples
. Nowadays, many
people
Use synonyms
 face with
deases
Correct your spelling
diseases
 problems,
Linking Words
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 is why,
governments
Use synonyms
 must provide
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
modern equipment which is helpful for patients. Contemporary tools are only available in city
center
Change the spelling
centre
show examples
hospitals
Use synonyms
 but in village
Use synonyms
hospitals
Add a comma
hospitals,
show examples
 it is not available.
That is
Linking Words
 why,
governments
Use synonyms
 must update
hospitals
Use synonyms
 every half year, as equipment can be broken or purchase tools which are
need
Wrong verb form
needed
show examples
.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, with
development
Correct article usage
the development
show examples
 of modern healthcare, taxes
also
Linking Words
 grew and most
people
Use synonyms
 cannot
treat
Wrong verb form
be treated
show examples
 in city
hospitals
Use synonyms
. For
this
Linking Words
 factor,
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 should decrease taxes,
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 would be affordable for all patients. Despite these arguments, some
people
Use synonyms
 still advocate that individuals should
care
Use synonyms
 about themselves.
Firstly
Linking Words
, walking in the morning is one the best factors, since walking or running helps
people
Use synonyms
 to be
reenergetic
Correct your spelling
energetic
 and protect
cancer
Change preposition
against cancer
show examples
. Just 30
minute
Fix the agreement mistake
minutes
show examples
walking
Change preposition
of walking
show examples
,
from
Change preposition
in
show examples
morning
Add an article
the morning
show examples
,
for instance
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, helps
brain
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the brain
show examples
 to
be increase
Change the verb form
increase
show examples
 energy and decline stress. An employee
works
Correct pronoun usage
who works
show examples
 all day in front of
screen
Add an article
the screen
a screen
show examples
, has
problem
Add an article
a problem
show examples
 with
headache
Fix the agreement mistake
headaches
show examples
. To treat, he does not need to take medicine. He needs only 30
minute
Change to a plural noun
minutes
show examples
walking
Change preposition
of walking
show examples
 every day.
Moreover
Linking Words
, having a diet is another valid argument. These days, many workers are in a hurry and they
forced
Add a missing verb
are forced
show examples
 to eat snacks or fast food that harm to health. To
prevent
Correct pronoun usage
prevent this
show examples
, they have to start making a diet. A lunch, from home, take an example, which is helpful to organism to renew. Not only is making a diet helpful
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but
also
Linking Words
 having a nap helpful too. Most
people
Use synonyms
 do not take
break
Add an article
a break
show examples
 from their work and their work process will start to decline.
To conclude
Linking Words
,
governments
Use synonyms
 must make prices valuable and ensure with innovative apparatus.
However
Linking Words
, I still acknowledge
merits
Correct article usage
the merits
show examples
 of taking
care
Use synonyms
about
Change preposition
of
show examples
themselves
Correct pronoun usage
myself
show examples
>
Submitted by makemoneyizzy16 on

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task achievement
Try to provide a more balanced discussion with equal attention to both viewpoints. Your essay leans slightly more towards government responsibility without equally elaborating on individual responsibility.
task achievement
Develop some of your points further with more specific examples to better support your arguments. For instance, you could provide specific statistics or studies related to healthcare costs or the effects of a healthy lifestyle.
coherence and cohesion
Pay attention to spelling and grammatical errors, such as "deases" (diseases), "reenergetic" (re-energize), and ensure verbs agree with their subjects to enhance clarity and professionalism.
coherence and cohesion
Consider improving transitions between paragraphs for smoother flow. Current transitions could be enhanced for a clearer logical progression and to better link different ideas.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction sets up the discussion effectively by presenting both perspectives, providing a clear basis for exploration of the topic.
coherence and cohesion
You provide a conclusion that summarizes your position well while acknowledging the merits of both sides, which helps in giving a complete response to the task.
task achievement
Using examples, such as the impact of walking on health or the issues with accessing modern healthcare equipment, demonstrates relevant thinking and engagement with the topic.
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