IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Young people spend most of their free time in shopping malls . This has many negative impacts on young people and society. do you agree or disagree?

#people #time #malls #impacts #society
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These days, young
people
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 spend most of their spare
time
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 in shopping
malls
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. Some
people
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 believe that
this
Linking Words
 practice negatively impacts young
people
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 and
society
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. I personally agree with
this
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 viewpoint because spending
time
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 in shopping
malls
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 kills the valuable
time
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 of young
people
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, and negatively affects the order and peace of
society
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. Spending most of the free
time
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 in shopping
malls
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 kills the valuable
time
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 of the young generation. Youth is the most valuable
time
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 of life, and if young
people
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 cannot utilize that
time
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 properly, they
cannot
Verb problem
will not
show examples
 be able to progress in the future.
On the contrary
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, if young
people
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 invest that
time
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 in voluntary work, gaining any soft skills or reading a new book, it will help them to become
prepare
Change the form of the verb
prepared
show examples
 for the future.
For example
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, in Bangladesh, many young
people
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,
specially
Replace the word
especially
show examples
 teenage girls invest a lot of
time
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 exploring shopping
malls
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 to purchase unnecessary items. It kills their valuable
time
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 and money.
Moreover
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, if young
people
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 gather in shopping
malls
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, it affects the laws and orders of
society
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. Young
people
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 sometimes engage in disagreements in shopping
malls
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, and it leads to disputes and fights.
This
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 hampers the laws and orders of
society
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. In shopping
malls
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, there are
people
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 of different ages and backgrounds who can be affected by the violence.
For example
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, in Australia, once in a shopping mall, some young
people
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 between the age range of 15 to 17 engaged in a fight, and that spread a huge panic among the shoppers. In conclusion, I completely agree that spending
time
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 in shopping
malls
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 kills the valuable
time
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 of young
people
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. It
also
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 affects the laws and orders of shopping
malls
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 if they engage in disputes and fights.
Submitted by rahman_rehana on

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task achievement
Consider adding more balanced arguments, potentially mentioning some positive aspects of young people spending time in malls if you wish to reach a higher band for task achievement. This can provide a more comprehensive response to the essay question.
coherence cohesion
Ensure seamless transitions between paragraphs and within them to further enhance the flow of your essay. This can slightly improve your score in coherence and cohesion.
introduction conclusion present
The introduction clearly states your position on the topic and provides a clear overview of the points that will be discussed.
supported main points
Each main point is supported by relevant examples, which add depth to your arguments.
introduction conclusion present
The conclusion effectively summarizes your position and main points, reinforcing your argument.

Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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