In some culture, children are often told they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this message?

There is a message for
children
says
Correct pronoun usage
that says
show examples
they can achieve anything they want if they try enough, to
helps
Wrong verb form
help
show examples
them plan their way in life, for some
culture
Fix the agreement mistake
cultures
show examples
it is a beneficial message. In
this
essay, I will discuss both the advantages and disadvantages of
send
Change the verb form
sending
show examples
this
idea to
children
. To commence with advantages,
this
message conveys to
children
that everything in
this
world can be achieved.
This
letter teaches them that hard
work
is required in all aspects of life. As it teaches them the discipline needed to achieve their goals.
For example
, when a child
plan
Correct subject-verb agreement
plans
show examples
to become an athlete when he is older,
this
letter
make
Change the verb form
makes
show examples
him believe his goal and
work
to reach it. When we talk about disadvantages,
every one
Replace the word
everyone
show examples
in life has a place to reach no matter if they
work
hard or not. When we make
children
believe that they can reach the highest point of their goal, and they
work
hard and focus strongly on
this
goal
then
they can not reach it for some reasons,
this
can
causes
Change the verb form
cause
show examples
some
harms
Fix the agreement mistake
harm
show examples
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
them
such
as they may
can
Verb problem
apply
show examples
not
work
to achieve another goal, their mental health will be affected and they may have feelings of imperfection.
For instance
, if a child works hard to become a good football player to play in a big team
then
the team doesn't choose him because the team doesn't have enough money to buy him, he may stop and not complete the challenge. In conclusion, it is important to be aware of
advantages
Correct article usage
the advantages
show examples
of
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
letters as
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
help kids plan big dreams far from their reality and not give up
from
Change preposition
on
show examples
hard
Add an article
the hard
show examples
way
Fix the agreement mistake
ways
show examples
they may face
nevertheless
, we can not ignore the truth that it is can back on them and affect their other goals, health and feelings.
Submitted by danall1kat on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Try to develop a more logical structure in your essay. Ensure that each point flows naturally from one to the other. A clear progression of ideas will improve coherence.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your points. This will strengthen your essay by illustrating your arguments clearly and making them more relatable.
task achievement
While you addressed both advantages and disadvantages, consider delving deeper into each point to make your ideas more comprehensive. This will give the reader a better understanding of your perspective.
coherence cohesion
Your essay features a clear introduction and conclusion, which gives it a structured framework and helps guide the reader through your argument.
task achievement
You have addressed both advantages and disadvantages of the topic, providing a balanced perspective that fits well within the task requirements.

Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • persistence
  • resilience
  • self-esteem
  • confidence
  • motivation
  • disappointment
  • frustration
  • unrealistic expectations
  • talent
  • opportunity
  • socio-economic conditions
  • success
  • failure
  • learning process
  • valuable lessons
  • pressure
  • stress
  • anxiety
  • fear of failure
  • mental health
What to do next:
Look at other essays: