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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

In many countries, people are now living longer than ever before. Some people say an ageing population creates problems for governments. Other people think there are benefits if society has more elderly people. To what extent do the advantages of having an ageing population outweigh the disadvantages.

#countries #people #population #governments #society
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Some would argue that it is a drawback for state power that individuals in most nations live much longer than ever before.
However
, others think that there are privileges for having old
people
 in the community. I strongly believe that the benefits of
such
 contributions to society outweigh the fact that countries' workforce will be decreased. When the nations have some shortage of employees and workforce, it mostly damages the economy of these places and it will hit citizens too. Since they do not have any income to support the budget of the government, they will not receive any annuity.
Following
this
, elderly
people
 will not be able to afford daily products to live conveniently.
As a result
, the country is likely to have some chaos
due to
 ensuring the residents with their needs.
For example
, in Japan, the state does not have enough labour. The reason for that was great living conditions for Japanese residents and Japan was full of aged
people
.
Therefore
, Japan had to borrow money from other nations to provide the annuity for pensioners. It means that too many old
people
 in certain countries lead to problems with the economy. Despite
this
, elderly
people
 play a significant role in the community development. Since, they have plenty of knowledge and experience in every field, that the young generation has not discovered yet.
For example
, my grandpa who was in the Second World War always gave me advice in certain situations.
Moreover
, he had to give interviews all the time for historians, so he was
the
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 influential person for the whole country. Thankfully for
him
Add a comma
him,
show examples
 historians discovered a lot of exhibits from
this
 war, so the history was rewritten. In conclusion, the increased amount of aged
people
does
Change the verb form
do
show examples
 not bring many drawbacks,
on the contrary
, their knowledge is a valuable thing for humanity's development, so it will not be a hard challenge for the government to ensure them.
Submitted by a.seytzhanova on

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task achievement
Expand on the disadvantages of an ageing population to provide a more balanced view. Currently, the essay lightly touches on the disadvantages and focuses more on the benefits.
coherence cohesion
Improve the transitions between paragraphs for smoother readability. For example, start with linking words like 'Furthermore' or 'However' to connect your ideas more clearly across the essay.
coherence cohesion
There is a clear introduction and conclusion, presenting your stance and summarizing your main points effectively.
task achievement
You provided a specific example by mentioning Japan's economic challenges due to an ageing population, which effectively supports your argument.
task achievement
The use of your personal story about your grandfather adds a personal touch and another layer of support for your argument, enhancing reader engagement.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • ageing population
  • benefits
  • disadvantages
  • advantages
  • experience
  • knowledge
  • contribution
  • economy
  • society
  • healthcare
  • youth employment
  • community
  • intergenerational support
  • volunteerism
  • mentorship
  • increased demand
  • pension costs
  • social welfare systems
  • workforce
  • productivity
  • intergenerational conflict
  • technological adaptability
  • dependency
  • effective
  • skill development
  • employment opportunities
  • intergenerational solidarity
  • communication
  • lifelong learning
  • technological literacy
  • age-friendly
  • social policies
  • infrastructure
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