IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Some people think that school have to be more entertaining while others think that their sold purpose to educate. Which do you agree with? Use specific resons and examples to support your opinion

#people #school #purpose #resons #support
Some people believe that
school
 should be entertaining for
children
while
 others believe that the sole purpose of
school
 is education. I personally agree that
school
 should be entertaining because if
children
 become entertained in
school
, they will be encouraged to go to
school
, and will be interested in learning.
School
 should be entertaining for
children
 because it will encourage
children
 to go to
school
 regularly.
Children
 love attractive things and if there are no attractions in
schools
, they will become bored.
As a result
, they will not enjoy
school
, and will not be encouraged to go to
school
.
School
 will be boring for
children
 if they do not get
entertainment
 opportunities there.
Therefore
,
schools
 should have some
entertainment
 options for
children
, which every morning will remind them of going to
school
.
For example
, in every
school
 in the USA, there are parks and theaters for
children
 which attract
children
 to go to
school
 regularly.
In addition
, if a
school
 provides
entertainment
,
children
 will be more interested in learning.
Schools
 should provide teaching with
entertainment
. Teaching with
entertainment
 helps
children
 to understand the learning topics easily.
This
 learning creates a lasting impact
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the minds of
children
. If
children
 learn something through
entertainment
, there
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 a
fewer
Correct word choice
lower
show examples
 chance
to forget
Change preposition
of forgetting
show examples
 it.
Therefore
, learning through education is very effective for
children
.
For instance
,
children
 in Japan, learn physics in
school
 through playing, and
children
 never forget that learning because they learn it effectively. In conclusion,
schools
 should provide
entertainment
 for
children
.
Children
 will be encouraged to visit
school
 every day, and they will learn effectively through
entertainment
.
Submitted by rahman_rehana on

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Coherence and Cohesion
Improve the variety of connecting phrases to enhance the flow between sentences and paragraphs.
Task Achievement
Use more specific examples and elaborations to further strengthen your arguments.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion that effectively frame the discussion.
Task Achievement
The main points are logically structured and supported with relevant examples, such as the example of schools in the USA and Japan.

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