IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people think that school have to be more entertaining while others think that their sold purpose to educate. Which do you agree with? Use specific resons and examples to support your opinion

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Some people believe that
school
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 should be entertaining for
children
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while
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 others believe that the sole purpose of
school
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 is education. I personally agree that
school
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 should be entertaining because if
children
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 become entertained in
school
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, they will be encouraged to go to
school
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, and will be interested in learning.
School
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 should be entertaining for
children
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 because it will encourage
children
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 to go to
school
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 regularly.
Children
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 love attractive things and if there are no attractions in
schools
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, they will become bored.
As a result
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, they will not enjoy
school
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, and will not be encouraged to go to
school
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.
School
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 will be boring for
children
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 if they do not get
entertainment
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 opportunities there.
Therefore
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,
schools
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 should have some
entertainment
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 options for
children
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, which every morning will remind them of going to
school
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.
For example
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, in every
school
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 in the USA, there are parks and theaters for
children
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 which attract
children
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 to go to
school
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 regularly.
In addition
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, if a
school
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 provides
entertainment
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,
children
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 will be more interested in learning.
Schools
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 should provide teaching with
entertainment
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. Teaching with
entertainment
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 helps
children
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 to understand the learning topics easily.
This
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 learning creates a lasting impact
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the minds of
children
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. If
children
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 learn something through
entertainment
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, there
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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 a
fewer
Correct word choice
lower
show examples
 chance
to forget
Change preposition
of forgetting
show examples
 it.
Therefore
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, learning through education is very effective for
children
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.
For instance
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,
children
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 in Japan, learn physics in
school
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 through playing, and
children
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 never forget that learning because they learn it effectively. In conclusion,
schools
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 should provide
entertainment
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 for
children
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.
Children
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 will be encouraged to visit
school
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 every day, and they will learn effectively through
entertainment
Use synonyms
.

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Coherence and Cohesion
Improve the variety of connecting phrases to enhance the flow between sentences and paragraphs.
Task Achievement
Use more specific examples and elaborations to further strengthen your arguments.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion that effectively frame the discussion.
Task Achievement
The main points are logically structured and supported with relevant examples, such as the example of schools in the USA and Japan.
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