IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

In some cities public parks and open spaces are being changed into gardens where local residents can grow their own fruit and vegetables. Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

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In some towns, public zones,
such
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 as parks and open areas, are being transformed into gardens where citizens can produce their fruits and vegetables.
This
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 essay will illustrate that local agriculture influences the economy and outshines by improving
people
Use synonyms
's interest in production, even though it has no
such
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 advantages as a private park can make, it increases social interaction in towns. In terms of precipitation, private parks can be seen as a profitable business for local government by money future perspective of improvement.
However
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, it isn't a good idea because it gives only stable profit and it can be hard to uplift it because governments have no motivation to make a financially developed place without taking a part in it.
For example
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, in the US private places,
such
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 as museums and parks, make money stable but lose their necessity in the digital world where
people
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 prefer to stay at home and rarely go outside.
On the other hand
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, locals can improve their agriculture sector and capacity by selling naturally grown products.
Also
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,
people
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 will be more interested in the community because they will be connected with the government and reforms.
For instance
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, my father owns farmland in central Kazakhstan, so he tries to look after changes in the constitution and increase the value of the land by using new technologies. Notably, the land was unnecessary for
people
Use synonyms
 who lived there and had no normal infrastructure. In conclusion, I emphasise that individuals who work with their territory have much more ambitions in improving it. Interestingly, the government often have problems with supervision in business.

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coherence cohesion
Try to clarify your main arguments to ensure they are easy for the reader to follow. Some sections could be more clearly connected to the topic question and main points.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that your conclusion summarizes the main points clearly. While there is a conclusion, the link to the essay's main ideas could be stronger.
task achievement
Consider refining your ideas to make them clearer and more direct. For instance, the comparison between private parks and community gardens could be stated more clearly.
task achievement
The essay introduces an interesting point that transforming public spaces helps local agriculture and fosters social interaction.
task achievement
The essay provides relevant and specific examples, like the personal anecdote about the author's father, which make the arguments more relatable and tangible.
coherence cohesion
The essay includes both an introduction and a conclusion, providing a clear start and end to the discussion.
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