IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

More children in developed countries are becoming overweight. This is a serious problem for wealthy countries. Discuss some causes and effects of this problem. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

In
this
Linking Words
 day and age, the average overweight is significantly increasing; especially, in the rich nations there are several factors leading to
this
Linking Words
 issue.
However
Linking Words
, the only main reason is wealthy countries
become with
Verb problem
have
show examples
 fast-paced
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 work affects the country's wealth ,
therefore
Linking Words
, numerous
parents
Use synonyms
 don't have too much
time
Use synonyms
 to take care of their
child
Fix the agreement mistake
children
show examples
 because there are many responsibilities in their
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
show examples
.
then
Linking Words
 give them a convince. As mentioned above, the only key point is to take care , form
parents
Use synonyms
.
Firstly
Linking Words
, today's households choose fast food for their kids;
due to
Linking Words
, convince and fast
this
Linking Words
 kind of food is a type of junk food that has many drawbacks
such
Linking Words
 as impure fat or high cholesterol that impact young children.
Secondly
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 is the modern era where everything
Add a missing verb
is drivendriven
show examples
drivendriven
Correct your spelling
driven driven
driven-driven
 by technology so huge
parents
Use synonyms
give
Change the verb form
gives
show examples
 their mobile phones, tablets and television to youth more than do activities together;
hence
Linking Words
, great kids are always sitting in front of the TV for an hour and playing video games
moreover
Linking Words
, exercise
time
Use synonyms
 is dropped dramatically.
Consequently
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 behaviour of households most influenced overweight children. In some
case
Fix the agreement mistake
cases
show examples
, young adults grow up with health problems;
likewise
Linking Words
,
diabetes
Change preposition
as diabetes
show examples
, heart disease ,fatty liver and ADAH.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, in the worst
case
Add a comma
case,
show examples
 some children pass away when
their
Replace the word
there
show examples
 was young or some kids
when
Rephrase
apply
show examples
there
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 grow up
will
Verb problem
apply
show examples
have poor health
that
Correct word choice
and
show examples
unstrong
Correct your spelling
strong
 like other people of the same age because of these eating habits and spending
time
Use synonyms
 focusing on the screen with unlimited
time
Use synonyms
.
To sum up
Linking Words
, hereupon adapting to the current era of
parents
Use synonyms
 that super affected with youth;
moreover
Linking Words
 nowadays have missive covenant thing and entertainment lead to negative physical and mental issues. According, is the duty of the household to balance the schedule of work
time
Use synonyms
 and family
time
Use synonyms
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Try to incorporate specific examples to strengthen your arguments, such as personal experiences or well-known studies, to provide a more complete response.
coherence cohesion
Your main points are present but could be clearer. Use more transitional phrases and ensure each paragraph focuses on a single idea to enhance clarity.
language
Correct minor grammatical errors to improve clarity, such as "convinence" instead of "convince" and "form" instead of "from."
coherence cohesion
Conclude with a brief summary of your discussions and a final thought or suggestion for addressing the problem of childhood overweight.
introduction
You have included a clear introduction, setting the stage for your discussion about childhood overweight in wealthy countries.
conclusion
Your conclusion attempts to sum up the problem and offer a solution, which is a good approach to take.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: