IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Using a computer every day can have more negative than positive effects on your children. Do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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In recent times, computers have become quite popular among
childrens
Correct your spelling
children
show examples
 and it is debatable that does the
use
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 of computers daily
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
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 more negative effects compared to positive ones.
This
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 essay will discuss about pros and cons of overuse and why I agree with the notion.
Firstly
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, the
excess
Replace the word
excessive
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use
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 of anything can be harmful, even if it is a healthy activity.
Similarly
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, kids who
use
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 electronic gadgets
everyday
Replace the word
every day
show examples
 can be dangerous in numerous ways.
For Instance
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, the blue light illuminating from the computer screens can
effect
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affect
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 children's eyes negatively
that
Correct word choice
and
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 they might need to wear spectacles in future.
Furthermore
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, most of them don't have ergonomic chairs
due to
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 which they sit with an incorrect posture,
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
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 may lead to body pain and cervical.
Therefore
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, it is significant to
use
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 computers for limited hours.
In contrast
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, the advocates who are in favour of daily
use
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, argue that modern schools give their
homeworks
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homework
 on the apps which require laptops or ipads almost daily.
Consequently
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, these gadgets can help them in learning more
everyday
Replace the word
every day
show examples
, which will make them smart and confident.
For example
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, my niece recently bought a
chromebook
Change the capitalization
Chromebook
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 to do her maths homework on an application called Mathlytics,
this
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 app is only for maths
while
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 there are other websites for different subjects,
as a result
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, she needs to
use
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 it
everyday
Replace the word
every day
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.
However
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,
this
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 will potentially make her laptop addict.
To conclude
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, I believe
overdose
Correct article usage
an overdose
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 of anything can cause distress, be it
a
Correct article usage
apply
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medicine or electronics. It will not only
effect
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affect
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 mentally but physically
aswell
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as well
. Even though
if
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apply
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there are
postive
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positive
 aspects
but
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apply
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health should always be the first priority.

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task achievement
The essay could benefit from a more explicit thesis statement in the introduction, clarifying whether the writer agrees or disagrees with the statement about computer use.
coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph has a clear main idea and connects logically to the next. For example, while the pros and cons are brought up, transitions between them could be smoother.
task achievement
Add more specific examples or evidence to strongly support the main points, which would improve the argument's persuasiveness.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes the writer’s viewpoint and includes a recommendation for limited computer use.
coherence cohesion
The essay introduces and concludes the topic clearly, showing a complete structure.
task achievement
The essay uses an example from personal experience, which adds a personal touch and relevance to the points being made.
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