IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Many governments spend too much money on weapons and military equipment. It would be better for the government to use the money spent on the military to improve its citizens' quality of life. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

#governments #money #weapons #equipment #government #citizens #quality #life
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Governments of many countries spend too much
money
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 on
weapons
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 and military
equipment
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. Some people believe that it will be better for governments to invest
money
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 to improve the
quality
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 of
life
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 of the
citizens
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. I personally believe that
although
Linking Words
 investing a lot of
money
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on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 military
equipment
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 and
weapons
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 helps to protect a
country
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, improving the
quality
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 of
life
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 of the
citizens
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are
Change the verb form
is
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 more important because it builds a healthy and productive
nation
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. If the
government
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 spend a lot of
money
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 to buy military
equipment
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 and
weapons
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, it will protect the
country
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. Military
weapons
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 and
equipment
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 are very expensive, and
therefore
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, some governments spend half of their annual budget to purchase military
equipment
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. Military equipments are required during the war to save the
country
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.
For example
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,
Bangladesh
Correct article usage
the Bangladesh
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government
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 is very protective
about
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of
show examples
 the
country
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, and it spends around 1 million US dollars every year to buy advanced military
equipment
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 to keep the
country
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 ready for war.
However
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, I personally believe that a
country
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 does not need that expensive military
equipment
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 unless it is attacked by the enemies.
However
Linking Words
, investing
money
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 to improving the
quality
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 of
life
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, builds a healthy and productive
nation
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. Improving
lives
Correct article usage
the lives
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 of the
citizens
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 requires a lot of
money
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 in various sectors,
such
Linking Words
 as healthcare, education, employment, agriculture and so on. If the
government
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 spends
money
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 in those sectors, the general public will be benefitted. They will be provided with proper public facilities and improve their lives.
As a result
Linking Words
, the
nation
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 will be healthier, happier and
productive
Correct quantifier usage
more productive
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.
For example
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, the
government
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 of India always prioritize the health of the public and it invests
one half
Add a hyphen
one-half
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 of
their
Correct pronoun usage
its
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 annual budget in the healthcare sector.
Therefore
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,
people
Correct article usage
the people
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 of India are healthy. I believe that investing
money
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 to improve the
quality
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 of
life
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 of its
citizens
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 is more important. In conclusion, I personally believe that the
goverment
Correct your spelling
government
 should spend
money
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 to improve the
quality
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 of
life
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 of the public because it can build a happy and healthy
nation
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. Investing much
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 military
equipment
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 is not wise because a
country
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 does not need them until it is attacked by the enemies.
Submitted by rahman_rehana on

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task achievement
Consider further developing the argument for why military spending might be necessary in some situations, to provide a more balanced view.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that paragraph transitions are smoother to enhance the logical flow of the essay.
task achievement
The essay provides clear reasoning for prioritizing spending on citizens' quality of life over military investments.
coherence cohesion
The introduction clearly states the writer’s position, which is consistently maintained throughout the essay.
task achievement
Examples are relevant and help illustrate the points made, such as the comparison between Bangladesh and India.

Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • national security
  • external threats
  • internal unrest
  • quality of life
  • public services
  • healthcare
  • education
  • infrastructure
  • development
  • well-being
  • investment
  • social programs
  • reduce poverty
  • inequality
  • social unrest
  • crime
  • harmonious society
  • prosperous society
  • defense budget
  • public spending
  • balanced approach
  • underfunded
  • opportunity cost
  • sustainable development
  • renewable energy
  • socio-economic stability
  • environmental health
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