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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together. to what extend do you agree?

#people #music #cultures #ages
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It is argued that
music
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 is a suitable path to make
individuals
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 get
along with
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individuals
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 of various cultural contexts
as well as
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 of different ages.
Music
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 is a cross-cultural phenomenon which can be utilized by
people
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 to get on well with citizens owning other cultures. It should be taken into consideration more
due to
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 not only can
individuals
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 enjoy it, but
also
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 it might be a communicative asset, contributing to making
people
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 become familiar with others in different cultures.
Music
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 can be heard by
people
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 all over the world regardless what language and from what sort it is performed. The more it is widespread, the more
individuals
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 will share their customs, culture, and attitudes.
Furthermore
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, it can be considered a highly significant way of bringing
people
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 together as listening to
music
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 is one of the most popular hobbies worldwide notwithstanding the age of its lovers.
Moreover
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,
music
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 is used in all ceremonies
as well as
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 special occasions
such
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 as weddings, and birthday parties, and
also
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 it is practical for religious customs.
For example
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, a unique song with a united type is usually played for birthdays by habitants around the globe.
However
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,
individuals
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 may have different desires towards different kinds of
music
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 based on their ages. Take adolescents as a salient example of big fans of Rap
music
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,
whereas
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 the elders are passionate about the traditional
music
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 of their own nation merely related to their own culture. Having had the same attitudes toward the
music
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, all
people
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 of different ages could have shared their
willing
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willingness
show examples
. In conclusion, as far as I am
fanatic
Correct article usage
a fanatic
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 about listening to traditional
music
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 and I am not a big fan of foreign
music
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 globally, I partly agree with
this
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 perspective.
Submitted by ieltsacademic77 on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay would benefit from clearer topic sentences at the start of each paragraph. This helps guide the reader through your argument and improves coherence.
task achievement
Although you mentioned specific occasions like weddings and birthdays, providing further examples and elaboration can enhance the effectiveness and clarity of your support for the argument.
task achievement
The conclusion part could be strengthened by summarizing the main points and reiterating your stance more clearly, adding a stronger finish to your argument.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction effectively sets up the topic and your viewpoint, engaging the reader right from the start.
coherence cohesion
You've maintained good logical progression throughout your essay, linking each point back to the central theme effectively.
task achievement
Your ideas about music being a universal form and its role in various celebrations effectively support the argument you are making.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • universal language
  • evoke
  • connect
  • diverse audiences
  • cultural exchange
  • generational gaps
  • shared experiences
  • unifying force
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