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Writing Samples
Band 6

The use of social media such as Facebook or Twitter is replacing face-to-face contact this century. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

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The use of social
media
Use synonyms
 is shifting direct interaction these years. The benefits are it makes communication easier and
also
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 open networking is much simpler.
However
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, it replaces direct interaction for some occasions that need to be elaborate.
Due to
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 these facts, I wholeheartedly agree that the drawbacks outweigh the benefits. On the one hand, the advancement of technology makes communication easier through social
media
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such
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 as Facebook. It is because
people
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 can communicate anytime through their cell phone and
additionally
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, it provides features that make it possible to find
friends
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,
thus
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,
people
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 can add their old
friends
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 and keep in touch with them.
For example
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, there are thousands of community accounts based on high schools, they gather alumni and arrange events to keep in touch with their old
friends
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.
As a result
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, they can keep connecting with
people
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 that once were their close
friends
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.
On the other hand
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, replacing a direct meeting with a conversation through social
media
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 can
makes
Wrong verb form
make
show examples
 some
businesses
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 are not enough delivered.
This
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 is
due to
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 the fact that some
businesses
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such
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marketing
Change preposition
as marketing
show examples
 still need more elaboration and specific information. A client that asking to promote their account to a content creator,
for instance
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, still needs a direct meeting to make sure they are meeting the agreement and understand their terms and conditions.
Due to
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 these facts, I believe direct interactions are still needed.
To conclude
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, social
media
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 makes
people
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 connected,
however
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, conveying something directly is essential in some
businesses
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 because conversations through social
media
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 are limited.
Thus
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, some
businesses
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 need to meet in person to prevent misunderstanding.

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task achievement
Try to develop more comprehensive arguments to deeply explore both sides of the topic. You have offered some valid points, but they could be expanded further.
coherence and cohesion
Consider improving the logical connectors between sentences and paragraphs to enhance the flow of ideas.
task achievement
Work on crafting more specific examples to strengthen your arguments. This will make your points more relatable and convincing.
introduction
The introduction clearly sets the topic and presents a viewpoint, which provides a good start.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear structure with identifiable paragraphs for introduction, body, and conclusion.
task achievement
You provided specific examples related to the topic, which makes the essay focused and relevant.
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