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Writing Samples
Band 8.5

Some people are of the view that only university education can ensure success, whereas many others oppose this view. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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Recently, there was an argument about whether the role of higher education is monumental for someone's success.
While
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 proponents believe that the debate is true, opponents opine the other way around. From my perspective, I strongly lean towards the advantages of a higher educational background since its contribution has been fundamental in our lives.
To begin
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 with, some individuals view that only a university education can assure prosperity
due to
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 the requirement from the hiring company. Most of the prominent organizations only recruit graduate candidates with outstanding academic records from reputable universities.
For example
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, the "Big Four" accounting firms in my country only hire cum laude finance undergraduates from the University of Indonesia.
Consequently
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,
this
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 kind of custom creates a need for someone to carve a strong academic acumen.
On the other hand
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, others believe that there must be another avenue than a mere educational degree as the main reason for their opinion is skills in work can be acquired through real-life experiences. For individuals who aspire to become entrepreneurs, taking a 4-year commitment in college
instead
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 of starting their business early will be an opportunity cost.
For example
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, my peer who had secured a steady income from his small business decided to become a full-time businessman and,
hence
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, drop out of college.
Besides
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, major corporates will give some sort of training program to their new employees prior to working in the firm anyway. In conclusion, both views of the debate have their merits. On balance,
nevertheless
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, I think that the tremendous benefits of acquiring an undergraduate degree outweigh some possible demerits.
At the end
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 of the day, having an undergraduate degree is a sharable achievement for our future offspring.

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coherence cohesion
Continue to use a range of complex sentence structures to express your ideas clearly.
task achievement
Maintain the practice of integrating specific examples to support your arguments, reinforcing the clarity and strength of your viewpoints.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of your essay, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs discussing both views, and a conclusion, is commendable.
coherence cohesion
You have succinctly introduced and concluded your essay, ensuring that readers are well-informed about what to expect and your stance on the topic.
task achievement
The examples you've provided are specific and relevant, significantly strengthening your arguments.
task achievement
Your comprehensive approach in addressing and discussing both views before stating your own opinion demonstrates a complete response to the task.
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