IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

In numerous nations, there is a growing trend for individuals to frequently discuss financial matters, such as their earnings or expenditures, in everyday conversation. What are the reasons behind this phenomenon? Is it advantageous or detrimental?

#nations #trend #individuals #matters #earnings #expenditures #conversation #phenomenon
In many countries,
people
 are starting to discuss their financial
matters
,
such
 as spending and
incomes
Fix the agreement mistake
income
show examples
, more often than before in daily conversation. In my opinion, in many places,
people
 are considered to be trustworthy to share personal things with,
thus
 making others comfortable to share
matters
such
 as financial problems.
This
 will be beneficial
toward
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the social condition since
people
 will no longer feel ashamed of sharing sensitive
matters
 like economic status. Nowadays, as
people
 become more trusting, discussions about financial
matters
 are becoming more common. When individuals are able to trust their friends,
then
 economic circumstances will not be a sensitive matter anymore, causing
people
 to be more likely to talk about it in everyday conversations.
For instance
, in my regency, individuals are willing to be more straightforward
on
Change preposition
about
show examples
 their financial state because their level of trust toward their friends is fairly high.
Therefore
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society as a whole becomes more comfortable talking about these issues with their friends on a daily basis. Having a discussion on financial issues openly can benefit the social condition of a community. Discussing one's financial situation openly will eliminate the economic barrier,
as a result
, it will establish a caring community where everyone is aware of the financial condition of each other.
For example
, knowing a friend's economic status will be able to develop empathy and help determine how to assist them in their daily life. To put it simply, if
people
 know each other's financial hardships, they will be empathetic toward each other,
then
 they will have a healthy society. All in all, the current trend where
people
 openly talk about their financial problems with others is caused by the trust they have in each other.
This
 will help to shape a healthy society where everyone is aware of each economic issue and able to assist them, creating a caring community.
Submitted by raymond.sebastianvl on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

General
Enhance support for your points by providing more diverse examples and sources of evidence.
Task Response
Work on providing a more nuanced view on the potential negative aspects of discussing financial matters.
Coherence and Cohesion
Consider adding more linking devices to improve the overall flow between paragraphs.
Introduction and Conclusion
Clear introduction and conclusion framing the essay well.
Task Achievement
Main ideas are supported by relevant examples, making arguments credible.
Logical Structure
Logical flow of ideas with a consistent theme throughout the essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • economic climate
  • social media platforms
  • transparency
  • cultural shifts
  • financial literacy
  • manage finances
  • comparison
  • competition
  • consumerism
  • trust
  • financial matters
  • earnings
  • expenditures
What to do next:
Look at other essays: