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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that lessons on becoming a good parent should be included in school curriculums. Others think that it is not essential for students. Discuss both opinions and give your opinion.

#people #lessons #parent #school #curriculums #students
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There are two distinctive views as to becoming a good parent; one is that
schools
 should include
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
course
Fix the agreement mistake
courses
show examples
 to teach how to be a good parent and the other is that not all students must take
such
 kinds of
course
Fix the agreement mistake
courses
show examples
 at educational organisations.
This
 essay discusses these two different ideas and
give
Change the verb form
gives
show examples
 the author's opinion.
First,
the former perspective, that
schools
 ought to offer courses that provide
with
Change preposition
apply
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knowledges
Change the wording
knowledge
pieces of knowledge
bits of knowledge
show examples
 about being a good parent, is supported by those who think that there are no opportunities for all younger generations to learn how they raise their
child
.
As a result
, the number of grown-ups who abused their children has been increasing recently. In
this
 context, I think we should give them specific case studies at
schools
 regarding issues
such
 as
child
 abuse and make them think of how they should deal with
such
 kinds of problems.
Second,
the other opinion, that
schools
 don't have to intentionally prepare
such
 chances for their pupils is
upholded
Correct your spelling
upheld
show examples
 by those who believe that they can understand what is necessary for growing their kids up by spending time with their classmates because the most important thing is to make a better relationship with their family. I strongly agree with
this
 statement in the sense that we can encounter most of
important
Add an article
the important
show examples
 elements of raising a
child
 in a normal school life,
such
 as making a positive friendship and
respect
Wrong verb form
respecting
show examples
 their feelings.
However
, there is something they cannot experience just
thorugh
Correct your spelling
through
 sharing the same time with their friends. In conclusion,
although
 the topic I mentioned in
this
 essay is quite controversial,
schools
' effort will be apparently needed since just having a good time with others is not enough for them to
absurb
Correct your spelling
absorb
 what they are required when they take care of their
child
.
Submitted by m.kiyosu1997 on

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coherence cohesion
Enhance the logical structure by ensuring a smoother flow of ideas between paragraphs. Consider using transitional phrases to guide the reader through different sections of your argument.
task achievement
Strengthen your main points with more specific examples to support your arguments. This will make your essay more convincing and relatable.
task achievement
The essay presents a balanced discussion of both viewpoints, addressing the topic effectively.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are clearly defined, providing a good frame for the essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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