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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

#children #hours #smartphones #case #development
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Technology has advanced so much that we can do almost anything from a single device– a smartphone.
Childrens
Correct your spelling
Children
show examples
 often lose track of time when playing with their
smartphones
.
This
 is caused by
various
Correct article usage
the various
show examples
 features the phone provides.
This
 is a really concerning matter for the young generations if left neglected. Two main features that consume the young’s time the most
is
Verb problem
apply
show examples
the easy access to
internet
Correct article usage
the internet
show examples
 and
games
. With the vast amount of information the
internet
 gives, kids would be easily absorbed.
This
 gives a sense of accomplishment as if they learned something new.
Similarly
,
games
 are designed in
such
 a way that it serves as a challenge and players would be rewarded with something. Even if they lose, the
games
 would encourage them to try again.
Not to mention
,
games
 and certain apps give off notifications and have endless scrolling that could make children engaged. For those reasons, students start to lose interest in activities with delayed gratification
such
 as studying, sports and honing important skills. They became addicted to the instant gratifications the
internet
 provided.
This
 disrupts the dopamine receptors
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their brain. The low-effort rewards
smartphones
 offer trigger constant dopamine release, which
lower
Change the verb form
lowers
show examples
 the drive of children towards long-term investing activities,
such
 as learning. The constant change of new information from scrolling
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 social media or the
internet
also
 lowers their attention span. They would have a harder time doing
deepworks
Correct your spelling
deep works
deep work
due to
 it.
While
 we should not close ourselves entirely
from
Change preposition
to
show examples
 technology, excessive use of
smartphones
 slowly cripples us, especially youngsters. The countless features of
smartphones
 will
instead
 backfire on them
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task response
In the introduction, clearly state your opinion on whether you think the development is positive or negative. This provides a stronger task response.
coherence
Organize your ideas more clearly into paragraphs, each covering a single main idea. For instance, one paragraph can discuss why children spend hours on smartphones, and another can discuss its implications.
task response
Ensure you provide examples for your points made, such as how specific features of a smartphone, like social media, impact children’s attention span.
task response
The essay effectively identifies specific features of smartphones, such as games and internet access, that contribute to children's prolonged use.
coherence cohesion
You provide a good analysis of how these features lead to addictive behavior and its consequences on important activities like studying.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
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