IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Using a computer every day can have more negative than positive effect on your children. Do you agree or disagree with it? Give some reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience.

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Some people believe that using
computers
Use synonyms
 every
day
Use synonyms
 has more benefits than drawbacks
on
Change preposition
for
show examples
children
Use synonyms
. I personally believe that using
computers
Use synonyms
 every
day
Use synonyms
 has more drawbacks than benefits
on
Change preposition
for
show examples
children
Use synonyms
 because it affects the
health
Use synonyms
 and
productivity
Use synonyms
 of
children
Use synonyms
. Using
computers
Use synonyms
 every
day
Use synonyms
 negatively affects the
health
Use synonyms
 of
children
Use synonyms
.
Children
Use synonyms
 study and play in front of
computers
Use synonyms
 hour after hour and do not take any
break
Fix the agreement mistake
breaks
show examples
. They are not interested in going outside and involve themselves in outdoor activities. It severely affects their
health
Use synonyms
 because they do not move their bodies for a long time.
As a result
Linking Words
, they suffer from numerous diseases
such
Linking Words
 as obesity, diabetes and hypertension at their young ages.
For example
Linking Words
, in Australia,
children
Use synonyms
 are addicted to computer games and they spend around 3 to 4 hours playing games on
computers
Use synonyms
, which results in obesity among
children
Use synonyms
.
Use
Correct article usage
The use
show examples
 of
computers
Use synonyms
 every
day
Use synonyms
also
Linking Words
 hinders the
productivity
Use synonyms
 of
children
Use synonyms
. They become very lazy and are relying on
computers
Use synonyms
instead
Linking Words
 of utilizing their brains. For simple mathematical
calculations
Add a comma
calculations,
show examples
 they tend to use
computers
Use synonyms
 and do not want to solve on their own.
Children
Use synonyms
 believe that if
computers
Use synonyms
 are there to solve their problems, why they will use their brains
.
Change the punctuation
?
show examples
This
Linking Words
 affects their
productivity
Use synonyms
.
For instance
Linking Words
,
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
children
Use synonyms
 in Bangladesh, mostly solve all their math and physics
problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
show examples
 on
computers
Use synonyms
 and they do not accept the fact that they are learners and they have to utilize their brains. In conclusion, I agree with the viewpoint that using
computers
Use synonyms
 every
day
Use synonyms
 has a negative impact on
children
Use synonyms
. It hinders their
productivity
Use synonyms
 and
health
Use synonyms
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Achievement
To enhance your task response, consider elaborating more on each argument with detailed examples or counterarguments. This will provide a well-rounded view of the topic.
Coherence and Cohesion
Link the paragraphs smoothly with more transitional words and phrases to enhance coherence and cohesion.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay includes a clear introduction and conclusion that frames the argument well.
Task Achievement
You provided relevant examples to support your views, which strengthens your essay's persuasiveness.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • cyber safety
  • screen time
  • cognitive development
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • social isolation
  • digital literacy
  • interactive learning
  • virtual communication
  • physical well-being
  • academic performance
What to do next:
Look at other essays: