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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Using a computer every day can have more negative than positive effect on your children. Do you agree or disagree with it? Give some reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience.

#computer #effect #children
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Some people believe that using
computers
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 every
day
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 has more benefits than drawbacks
on
Change preposition
for
show examples
children
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. I personally believe that using
computers
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 every
day
Use synonyms
 has more drawbacks than benefits
on
Change preposition
for
show examples
children
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 because it affects the
health
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 and
productivity
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 of
children
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. Using
computers
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 every
day
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 negatively affects the
health
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 of
children
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.
Children
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 study and play in front of
computers
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 hour after hour and do not take any
break
Fix the agreement mistake
breaks
show examples
. They are not interested in going outside and involve themselves in outdoor activities. It severely affects their
health
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 because they do not move their bodies for a long time.
As a result
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, they suffer from numerous diseases
such
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 as obesity, diabetes and hypertension at their young ages.
For example
Linking Words
, in Australia,
children
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 are addicted to computer games and they spend around 3 to 4 hours playing games on
computers
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, which results in obesity among
children
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.
Use
Correct article usage
The use
show examples
 of
computers
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 every
day
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also
Linking Words
 hinders the
productivity
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 of
children
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. They become very lazy and are relying on
computers
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instead
Linking Words
 of utilizing their brains. For simple mathematical
calculations
Add a comma
calculations,
show examples
 they tend to use
computers
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 and do not want to solve on their own.
Children
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 believe that if
computers
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 are there to solve their problems, why they will use their brains
.
Change the punctuation
?
show examples
This
Linking Words
 affects their
productivity
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.
For instance
Linking Words
,
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
children
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 in Bangladesh, mostly solve all their math and physics
problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
show examples
 on
computers
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 and they do not accept the fact that they are learners and they have to utilize their brains. In conclusion, I agree with the viewpoint that using
computers
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 every
day
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 has a negative impact on
children
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. It hinders their
productivity
Use synonyms
 and
health
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by rahman_rehana on

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Task Achievement
To enhance your task response, consider elaborating more on each argument with detailed examples or counterarguments. This will provide a well-rounded view of the topic.
Coherence and Cohesion
Link the paragraphs smoothly with more transitional words and phrases to enhance coherence and cohesion.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay includes a clear introduction and conclusion that frames the argument well.
Task Achievement
You provided relevant examples to support your views, which strengthens your essay's persuasiveness.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • cyber safety
  • screen time
  • cognitive development
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • social isolation
  • digital literacy
  • interactive learning
  • virtual communication
  • physical well-being
  • academic performance
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