IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Nowadays, people believe that governments should invest taxpayers’ money in healthcare, while others believe that money should be used in other areas. Discuss both points of view and give your opinion. Keywords: government; health Type: Discussion

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In recent times, the spending structure of how the taxed
money
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 has become a hugely debated point.
while
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 some people say that to use
this
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money
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 for
healthcare
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 and others think that to spend in different places where it will benefit all the citizens. on the one hand, people argue that the
money
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 collected through taxes should go to
healthcare
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 which will improve existing hospitals and the facilities available to them.
However
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, currently, most countries provide free
healthcare
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 to their population, and people still think that investing in
healthcare
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 will provide better treatment and attention to patients.
For example
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, Canada provides free
healthcare
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 to everyone.
However
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, there are some drawbacks in the system like a shortage in the number of doctors available in some of the densely populated areas of big cities. So, It is said that spending more tax
money
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 on
healthcare
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 will help the government to bring in more doctors and serve the communities.
On the other hand
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, many are discussing other important areas which need attention other than health care. I believe there is always room for development in schools, roads and more. Spending amount on these aspects will help several
neighbourhoods's
Change the noun form
neighbourhoods
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 in the country.
For instance
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, there are many damaged roads that are badly affected by snow and various other reasons. These are required to be repaired in time to give travellers a smoother commute. Even though states are tirelessly working on developing infrastructure and developing, there is still more room to do more development. As great scholars say, countries need to have the best schools to raise a better generation and good infrastructure for its development.
To conclude
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,
Although
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 there is a requirement for progress in
healthcare
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. I think advancements in other factors are
also
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 important as a whole.

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task achievement
Improve the clarity and comprehensiveness of your ideas. The essay presents the main points regarding spending on healthcare versus other sectors but lacks a bit of depth in explaining each viewpoint. Consider further elaborating on why each sector is crucial for tax allocation.
coherence cohesion
Focus on enhancing logical structure with smoother transitions. While each paragraph is clearly dedicated to a separate viewpoint, the internal cohesion within paragraphs could be strengthened. Adding transition words or sentences could improve the flow of your arguments.
task achievement
Include more detailed and specific examples to support your points. You mention healthcare in Canada but could benefit from more specific illustrations related to how healthcare funds were utilized effectively or potential infrastructure improvements.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion. It neatly sets up the topic and summarizes the arguments effectively.
task achievement
You successfully address both points of view and provide your own opinion, fulfilling the task requirements.
coherence cohesion
The organization is logical with each body paragraph clearly delineating the different perspectives on tax spending.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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