IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

‏Due to the development and rapid expansion of supermarkets in some countries, many small, local business are unable to compete. Some people think that the closue of local business will bring about the death of local communities. To what extent do you agree or disagree

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In recent times shopping has become an essential thing in
people
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's lives. It is a highly debatable issue whether supermarkets are more important, or whether small
shopes
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 are better for
people
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. From my perspective, I agree that local businesses are helpful for individuals.
This
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 essay will outline the benefits of small
shopes
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 in any country. ‎‏Small
shopes
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 play a vital role in investing
time
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. It can empower
people
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 to buy their needs without spending a lot of
time
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 at a distance.
For example
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, the result of conducting research at Glasgow University illustrates that 90% of
people
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 prefer going to small
shopes
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due to
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 the
time
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.
Therefore
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, it facilitates
people
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's shopping.
Furthermore
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, exposing
people
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 to small shops
,
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apply
show examples
 potentially leads to low prices.
For example
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, my friend Fatma enjoys shopping in small stores as she spends less money compared to the supermarkets. ‎‏Big Supermarkets require transportation
due to
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 long distances. Not all
people
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 have a vehicle or license. If
people
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 don't find a car, they will probably be used to purchase it from small shops. A good example here is
people
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 who live in rural areas. They face difficulties in reaching to far place for shopping.
Moreover
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, small shops are able to increase the economy of the country by creating jobs and increasing local business. To illustrate,
people
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 are able to work as sheper or delivery.
As a result
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,
this
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 can improve the standards of living and reduce unemployment. ‎‏In conclusion, shopping from local shapes is crucial for the individual.
Therefore
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, big market the idea of should be stopped. I think that it helps
people
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 to save
time
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 and money. The government should encourage
people
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 to open more small
shopes
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 in each area.

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coherence cohesion
Improve the logical flow of arguments by ensuring that each paragraph smoothly connects to the next. Consider using more linking words and phrases to guide the reader through your points.
task achievement
Provide more varied and detailed examples to support your arguments. This will help in creating a more compelling response to the task.
task achievement
Ensure that all your ideas are fully developed. Some points would benefit from further explanation or exploration.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which frames the arguments well. You've stated your position clearly in both sections.
task achievement
You address the prompt directly, discussing both the advantages of local shops and challenges posed by big supermarkets, which fulfills the task requirement.
task achievement
The essay presents some interesting insights into why local shops are beneficial, such as convenience and economic benefits for local communities.
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