IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7.5

Some people think that governments should give financial support to creative artists such as painters and musicians . Other believe that creative artists should be funded by alternative sources. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #governments #support #artists #painters #musicians #alternative #sources
There is no doubt that government financial aids are needed to strengthen industries, and in turn,
this
 assistance will foster the sectors’ contribution to both government and society. Some people believe that governments are compulsory to provide financial endorsements for creative industry workers,
while
 others argue that
this
sector
 should seek alternative sources of funding. I partly agree with both sides because
although
 the creative
sector
 delivers significant contributions, there are other vital sectors that require to be invested heavily. Examining the proposing view, creative artists
such
 as filmmakers, musicians, and sculptors play significant roles in introducing the cultural values of a particular country.
For instance
, in around 2018, an Indonesian music group called Weird Genius released a song called Latih, and
this
 song successfully grabbed international attention related to the Javanese and Balinese culture.
This
 artwork
consequently
 increased globetrotters' influx to Bali Island and resulted in an increase in the locals’ income. In conclusion, the impacts of the creative
sector
 are closely related to tourism, and currently, the number of Indonesia’s international tourists is progressively increasing,
therefore
, a total discontinuity of financial support to the creative
field
 will hamper the existing progress.
On the other hand
, especially in several developing countries, investment initiatives in vital public services
such
 as healthcare, transportation, and education are required. These sectors must be put into higher priority than the creative
field
 because these sectors are related to the fundamental needs of citizens.
For example
, in Indonesia, the Human Development Index (HDI) now ranks around 100th, implying that there are pressing issues in the education
field
 and intensive research projects into the
field
 are needed.
Moreover
, a similar trend
also
 happens in the health
sector
, Indonesia is ranked around 137th, which we can infer that a significant amount of funds are required to allocate for improving healthcare quality.
Therefore
, it is a smart move by the government to focus on the most pressing obstacles, and the creative industry stakeholders may seek various alternatives to funding. At its core, priorities can be determined through the nature of each
sector
 and its relation to society,
however
, we can
also
 consider the current noticeable progress of creative industries as a reason behind the amount of funding allocated.
Submitted by manapapuja2 on

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Coherence & Cohesion
Try to make your introduction more engaging with a hook or a thought-provoking question.
Coherence & Cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph presents a single clear idea that ties directly into your thesis statement.
Task Response
Include more specific examples that illustrate the effectiveness or current gap in funding for creative artists in real-world contexts.
Task Response
Consider presenting counterarguments to strengthen your position by showing you've considered other perspectives.
Task Achievement
You have successfully examined both sides of the argument, which is essential for a well-rounded discussion.
Coherence & Cohesion
The logical flow of your essay allows readers to understand your analysis of both viewpoints clearly.
Task Achievement
Using real-world examples, like the Indonesian music group, adds depth and credibility to your arguments.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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