The continued rise in the world's population is the greatest problem faced by humanity at the present time what are the causes of this continue rise? Do you agree that it is the greatest problem faced by humanity?

Nowadays,the
number
of population in the world is increasing exponentially.
That is
to say,
this
causes
problems
for mankind.In the following paragraphs,
causes
and effects will be discussed in detail. There are mainly two sources causing
this
.
Firstly
,the mortality
rate
is facing a dramatic downward trend
due to
the advancement of medical knowledge.Diseases that tend to be severe resulting in millions of human deaths in the past are no longer our concern.
For instance
,many infectious diseases including tuberculosis,malaria and typhoid.
Secondly
, the
Birth
rate
is climbing up.As you can see in the previous two generations,people usually have more than ten offspring.
Although
the
birth
rate
is not substantially rising as before
due to
financial
problems
,it is still going up with the aid of technology
such
as artificial insemination. The increasing
number
of people
also
causes
problems
.
In other words
,citizens in some countries have to face a scarcity of resources
such
as water,food and other supplies.
Also
,humans are the main
causes
of multiple natural
problems
such
as global warming,extinction of other wildlife species,pollution and deforestation.In simple terms, the
number
of people corresponds with the
number
of natural
problems
.From my perspective,Even though
this
is one of the
problems
,it is not the greatest one.The real problem today is an aging society because the mortality
rate
is reduced significantly but the
birth
rate
is no longer increasing by the same percentage. To summarize,the world's population is still rising.
However
, the mortality and
birth
rates are not corresponding causing the
number
not to be the greatest problem.The
aging
Change the spelling
ageing
show examples
society is the one we should be concerned.
Submitted by chawanat.pla on

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coherence cohesion
While the essay provides an introduction and conclusion, consider linking the paragraphs more smoothly with connecting phrases or sentences to enhance flow.
task achievement
Although you present relevant causes and effects, try to incorporate more specific examples or data to strengthen your argument. This would improve the task achievement score.
task achievement
Addressing whether the population rise is indeed the greatest problem could be expanded further to show a balanced view, which can ‘agree’, ‘disagree’, or partially agree more explicitly with the statement.
coherence cohesion
The essay contains a clear introduction and conclusion, which frame the discussion well.
coherence cohesion
The ideas are logically structured, presenting causes of population rise followed by their effects.
task achievement
You address the task by discussing causes and effects of the population rise, providing a reasonably balanced argument.

Your opinion

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Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

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...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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