IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The continued rise in the world's population is the greatest problem faced by humanity at the present time what are the causes of this continue rise? Do you agree that it is the greatest problem faced by humanity?

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Nowadays,the
number
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 of population in the world is increasing exponentially.
That is
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 to say,
this
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causes
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problems
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 for mankind.In the following paragraphs,
causes
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 and effects will be discussed in detail. There are mainly two sources causing
this
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.
Firstly
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,the mortality
rate
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 is facing a dramatic downward trend
due to
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 the advancement of medical knowledge.Diseases that tend to be severe resulting in millions of human deaths in the past are no longer our concern.
For instance
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,many infectious diseases including tuberculosis,malaria and typhoid.
Secondly
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, the
Birth
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rate
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 is climbing up.As you can see in the previous two generations,people usually have more than ten offspring.
Although
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 the
birth
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rate
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 is not substantially rising as before
due to
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 financial
problems
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,it is still going up with the aid of technology
such
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 as artificial insemination. The increasing
number
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 of people
also
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causes
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problems
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.
In other words
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,citizens in some countries have to face a scarcity of resources
such
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 as water,food and other supplies.
Also
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,humans are the main
causes
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 of multiple natural
problems
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such
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 as global warming,extinction of other wildlife species,pollution and deforestation.In simple terms, the
number
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 of people corresponds with the
number
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 of natural
problems
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.From my perspective,Even though
this
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 is one of the
problems
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,it is not the greatest one.The real problem today is an aging society because the mortality
rate
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 is reduced significantly but the
birth
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rate
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 is no longer increasing by the same percentage. To summarize,the world's population is still rising.
However
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, the mortality and
birth
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 rates are not corresponding causing the
number
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 not to be the greatest problem.The
aging
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ageing
show examples
 society is the one we should be concerned.

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coherence cohesion
While the essay provides an introduction and conclusion, consider linking the paragraphs more smoothly with connecting phrases or sentences to enhance flow.
task achievement
Although you present relevant causes and effects, try to incorporate more specific examples or data to strengthen your argument. This would improve the task achievement score.
task achievement
Addressing whether the population rise is indeed the greatest problem could be expanded further to show a balanced view, which can ‘agree’, ‘disagree’, or partially agree more explicitly with the statement.
coherence cohesion
The essay contains a clear introduction and conclusion, which frame the discussion well.
coherence cohesion
The ideas are logically structured, presenting causes of population rise followed by their effects.
task achievement
You address the task by discussing causes and effects of the population rise, providing a reasonably balanced argument.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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