IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people who have been in prison become good citizens later, and it is often argued that these are the best people to talk to teenagers about the dangers of committing a crime. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Some believe that those who have been in prison before are in a great position to educate children about the risks of criminal behaviour. I strongly agree with
this
Linking Words
 idea , since the personal experience of the ex-criminals makes their message more credible , understandable and impactful, and they can be powerful role models for a change.
Firstly
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, former prisoners can give relevant insights into the consequences of crime. Unlike our teachers or authority figures
who
Punctuation problem
, who
show examples
 probably speak only in theory, these individuals have experienced directly the negative effects of criminality,
such
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 as giving up on their freedom, broken relationships with family or friends, and very limited options for future opportunities.
As a result
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, children are more likely to listen carefully , relate and have sympathy for their stories.
For example
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, a young person hearing an account of prison conditions and how it destroys individuals may understand better the seriousness of crime than through frequent warnings in school.
Secondly
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, former offenders who have rebuilt their lives can be an inspiring example of positive personal transformation. Their stories prove that it is possible to change ways and build a future , getting over previous mistakes.
This
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 is highly motivating for teenagers who feel lost or are under a bad influence .
For instance
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, an old criminal who now contributes positively to society can show young people that by making the right choices , it is possible to find a truly stable and happy life.
To conclude
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 , I entirely agree that reformed prisoners are clearly among the most effective people to educate about crime and its consequences , as their experiences are both convincing and inspirational, helping to prevent younger generations from making harmful decisions.

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task response
Write one more clear example to make your ideas stronger.
task response
Explain a few ideas a bit more, so the reader can see your point fully.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with more care. A few spaces and commas are not natural.
coherence and cohesion
Keep each body paragraph focused on one main point, then support it step by step.
task response
You answer the question clearly and keep the same opinion all through the essay.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two body paragraphs, and a clear end.
coherence and cohesion
Your main ideas are easy to follow and mostly in a good order.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • prisoners
  • rehabilitation
  • recidivism
  • consequences
  • insights
  • deterrent
  • guidance
  • support
  • role models
  • positive change
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