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Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people who have been in prison become good citizens later, and it is often argued that these are the best people to talk to teenagers about the dangers of committing a crime. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
It is believed that ex-imprisoned individuals are the most appropriate those who talk to the young about the dangers of committing a crime. Personally, I strongly agree with the fact that they are. Because generally these are the only ones who truly livein acriminal situation , but they are
also
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 the only voice teenagers will hear.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
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, these people are
who
Correct pronoun usage
those who
show examples
 lived through
this
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 kind of situation , and now, they understand what they did wrong.
In other words
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, the time spent in the penitentiary made these people realise the errors they comitted and to some of them it made them want to apologise by becoming good citizens.
For example
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, imagine a criminal who spent ten years in jail and who is now a good citizen and wants to make amends. He will , of course, be more appropriate to talk with the younger generations than a psychologist who did not really live through
this
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 type of situation.
Body paragraph 2
To continue, these individuals are the best to talk about criminal life to younger generations because they are the only voices they will really respect and hear about. Because, normally, the teenagers, in an act of rebellion, do not respect authority.
However
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, when ,
for instance
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, a group of ex-criminals come to talk to them about their experience, they will respect them because
firstly
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 they are impressed knowing the grown-up in front of them has once been a criminal. But
secondly
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, they will hear the speech with attention because some of them will see him represented in one of the speechwriters.
Conclusion
To conclude
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, I personally think that the people who have been in prison are the most appropriate to talk about criminal life to younger generations. Because they really know these kinds of situations , and because they are truly who are respected by the adolescents.

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task response
State your view clearly in the first paragraph, then keep the same view in every part. Your two main ideas are clear: these people know prison life, and young people may listen to them.
task response
Explain more carefully why a person who was in prison may help young people. Say what they can tell them: loss of family time, hard daily life, less work after prison, and regret.
task response
Do not say that all former prisoners are the best people, or that they are the only people young people will hear. This is too strong. Add that they should be people who have changed and who can speak in a safe, honest way.
task response
Your example is useful, but make it more real and clear. Show what the person says to teenagers and how this may stop a young person from making the same choice.
coherence and cohesion
Use a clear four-part plan: introduction, first main idea, second main idea, conclusion. Your essay already follows this plan, so keep it.
coherence and cohesion
Start body paragraphs with direct topic sentences. For example: “Former prisoners can give real lessons about the results of crime.” Then explain the idea and give one example.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid starting many sentences with “Because”. Join the reason to the sentence before it. For example: “Teenagers may listen more closely because they see the speaker as someone with real experience.”
coherence and cohesion
Use simple links in a natural way: “First”, “Also”, “For example”, “However”, and “As a result”. Do not repeat “To begin” and “To continue” in the same way each time.
coherence and cohesion
Make unclear parts more exact. The phrase about teenagers seeing themselves in “one of the speechwriters” does not fit the point. Say that some teenagers may see their own problems in the speaker’s past.
task response
You answer the question directly and give a clear view from the start.
task response
You give two relevant reasons and include an example to support your first reason.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has an introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion, so it is easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Words such as “For example”, “However”, and “To conclude” help show the order of your ideas.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • prisoners
  • rehabilitation
  • recidivism
  • consequences
  • insights
  • deterrent
  • guidance
  • support
  • role models
  • positive change
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