Many people believe that music is just a form of entertainment, while others believe that music has a much larger impact on society today. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

There is ongoing debate about the role of
music
in society. Some individuals think that
music
is a simple way of amusement,
while
others claim that
music
has a great influence on the public. I back up the latter viewpoint since
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
pieces of art can evoke emotions in the person who acquiring it
as a result
identify their health state. On the one hand,
according to
some,
music
is just a superficial thing that entertains others as it does not obviously tackle global issues compared to science or politics.
This
is because artists dwell on simple things too much
such
as being stylish or attracting more attention
thus
showing their mediocre way of thinking about social values.
For example
, the majority of young musicians often perform their concerts in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
night clubs or parties, trying to cheer up their audience by serving as a clown.
Therefore
, many individuals accept the role of
music
unseriously, convincing
that
Correct quantifier usage
others that
show examples
music
is not able to address major problems.
On the other hand
,
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
am in favour of those who believe that nowadays
music
has a huge impact on the general public
due to
the fact that a lot of people obtain certain information from
music
that they used to listen to on a regular basis which shapes their mindset and opinion by affecting their mood. Recent research shows that certain types of
music
can evoke certain
hormones
Change the noun form
hormone
show examples
releases in the human body. if the public tends to listen to calm and joyless pieces of
music
, their chances of having good mental health will considerably rise, allowing them to release positive hormones
such
as endorphins and dopamines.
Overall
, what significantly affects people's health and psychology is
music
.
To sum up
,
although
thought that
music
is a superficial thing, support those who think that
music
is essential for shaping the general mindset, affecting in different ways regarding what kind of
music
individuals are likely to get.
Submitted by almirasartayeva on

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task achievement
Make sure to explore both viewpoints with equal depth in order to fully address the prompt. The current response leans more towards one perspective, providing less balance.
coherence cohesion
While the essay is generally easy to follow, further organizing the paragraphs with clearer topic sentences would improve logical flow.
task achievement
Be more explicit in supporting ideas with examples. This would not only make your arguments more persuasive but also demonstrate a deeper level of analysis.
coherence cohesion
The essay includes an introduction and conclusion, showing an understanding of structured writing.
task achievement
You provide thoughtful insights into how music can affect individuals emotionally and impact society.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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