IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people think that government should control the amount of violence in the films and TV programs, in order to reduce the crimes in the society. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #government #control #amount #violence #films #tv #programs #crimes #society
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The violent scenes in
movies
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 and series have been considered to increase the amount of crime happening all around society. I totally agree with
this
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 statement because these kinds of
movies
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 can affect
people
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 and make them rebellious person
also
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 they can provide
people
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 with some
techniques
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 for breaking laws and using tools for harming others. The
films
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 including some harsh scenes can increase
people
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's adrenaline so an increasing number of
people
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 are becoming passionate about violent
movies
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. The scenes which are able to make
people
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 excited through an argument or physical fighting transfer the feeling of anger to
people
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 mostly young ones because they are more flexible and rebellious.
As a result
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 of
this
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 if
individuals
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 face tension they will unconsciously react in the worst way just because of the potential danger that they
had
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
 received before.
For example
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, the famous movie called Joker includes a lot of anomalies encouraging
people
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 to kill humans and the
films
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 like
this
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 can lead each citizen to be a potential killer.
Thus
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, reducing the amount of violence
movies
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 can invite
individuals
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 to be calm and avoid anger. Watching these violent
movies
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 may teach audiences to apply some harsh
techniques
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 making the situations worse.
Although
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 it is argued that these
films
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 can impact
people
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 positively and teach them some
techniques
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 to save their own lives whenever they stick in bad circumstances. Most
people
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 cannot notice the right situation to use the violent
techniques
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 taught in
movies
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 like how to push
people
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 or hit them so that they would make a disaster for themselves and even kill a person unconsciously.
Additionally
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, in these
films
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, characters usually carry weapons with them teaching
individuals
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 how to use a gun to shoot which can increase the rate of crime in society.
Therefore
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, making violent
movies
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 has negative effects on all of the residents and they may become a threat to others. In conclusion, reducing the amount of violent
films
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 is suggested by a group of
individuals
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 because violent
movies
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 can enhance crimes in society because of the
movies
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' impact and
also
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 the way that
people
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 can learn the usage of weapons.
Last
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 but not least
people
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 should avoid watching these
movies
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Submitted by ghorabibita on

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task achievement
Include specific data or well-known studies to further bolster your argument. For example, mention particular studies that investigate the correlation between violent media and crime rates.
coherence
Consider varying your sentence structures further to enhance the flow of your essay. It can help in maintaining reader interest and clearly conveying complex ideas.
cohesion
Make sure each paragraph develops only one main idea to ensure clarity. This way, your argument is more straightforward and strong.
task response
Your essay successfully presents a comprehensive response to the topic, with clear and relevant points as to why controlling violence in media could reduce crime.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are effectively presented, clearly setting the stage for the arguments and summarizing the viewpoint.
coherence
The connection between violent media and influencing behavior is thoughtfully explored.
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