IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

some people say that animals shoud be used for entertainment.do you agree ao dis agree?

#people #animals #shoud #entertainment #ao #dis
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Some
people
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 think
animals
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 should be used for
entertainment
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. Arguing that it can provide a source of enjoyment and education for humans.After considering the issue from all viewpoints, I believe that
animals
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 should not be used for
entertainment
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 as it results in their mistreatment and suffering.
Instead
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, we should look for alternative options
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
entertainment
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 that don't need to put species in pain. Using
animals
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 for
entertainment
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 involves a lot of unnecessary harm to
animals
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.
Animals
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 often suffer from hard training methods and
being
Wrong verb form
are
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 kept in bad conditions.
This
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 can cause them stress, anxiety, and even dangerous
behavior
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behaviour
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. Using
animals
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 in
entertainment
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also
Linking Words
 teaches
people
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 that
animals
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 are just things to use for their own
entertainment
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, which can lead to bad
behavior
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behaviour
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 towards
animals
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.
Instead
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, we should find ways to have fun without harming non-humans.
Furthermore
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, using
animals
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 for
entertainment
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makes
Verb problem
poses
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 a risk to both
animals
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 and humans. Some
animals
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 can become aggressive and unpredictable
due to
Linking Words
 hard training methods and living conditions.
For
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In
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 the case of circus
animals
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, these risks are even greater, as these
animals
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 can escape and possibly cause harm or even death to
people
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.
Overall
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, the use of
animals
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 in
entertainment
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 is unsafe and harmful to both
animals
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 and
people
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. In conclusion, The use of
animals
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 in
entertainment
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 has many disadvantages, including negative effects on animal welfare and human safety. It is important for us to find other forms of
entertainment
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 that don't involve
animals
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,
such
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 as music, art, or sports
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 so that both humans and
animals
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 are treated with respect .
This
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 can help create a kinder and more moral future for everyone.
Submitted by t.jenab on

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task achievement
To improve task achievement, consider including more specific examples or case studies to strengthen your argument. This will make your response more engaging and convincing.
coherence cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, try to use more varied and advanced linking words to illustrate relationships between your ideas more clearly. This will help create a smoother flow throughout your essay.
introduction conclusion present
The essay effectively introduces the main argument against using animals for entertainment and follows through to a clear conclusion.
logical structure
The ideas are well-organized, with each paragraph discussing a different aspect of the argument. This enhances readability and understanding.
clear comprehensive ideas
The essay makes a persuasive argument against using animals for entertainment, pointing out ethical issues and alternatives.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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