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Band 5

Some people think that success in life comes from hard work and determination, while others think that there are more important factors such as money and appearence. Discuss both views and give your opinion

#people #success #life #work #determination #factors #money #appearence
Some individuals think that to succeed in
life
 people need to do hard work and determination,
while
 other mankind think of it as a prime factor
such
 as in financial and physical
appearance
. In
this
 essay, I will talk about why I think hard work and decision making is important to achieve.
To begin
 with, some mankind think that having tons of money and
appearance
 are the most important elements.
This
 is true sometimes.
For example
, when individuals start a business, they have enough employment already by paying money and some mankind have more physical
appearance
 than a person's experience
such
 as
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 singer model and so on.
However
, to be successful all of these
humankinds
Correct your spelling
humankind
 are working hard and making many collective decisions.
Secondly
, some
also
 think that having good decision-making is one of the most important elements to achieve.
For instance
, during jobs or in bad conditions, people who succeed will make good decisions even though in
this
 time.
Moreover
, choosing a decision can change the
life
 of people to success or failure.
Therefore
, having determination is one of the important factors in achieving success in
life
. Many individuals think that hard work, determination, money and
appearance
 are the main factors to get a better
life
.
However
, in my opinion, I think relationships are the most important factors to success because having a relationship can make
job
Correct article usage
a job
show examples
 more successful and gain many skills of humanity
such
 as communication skills and kindness.
Submitted by dokmally2 on

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Coherence and Cohesion
Improve the logical flow between sentences and paragraphs to enhance coherence. Ensure that each argument is linked clearly to the preceding one.
Task Response
Expand on specific examples to make arguments more convincing and relatable. Use examples that directly correlate with your main points.
Task Response
Clarify the main points you want to convey in each paragraph to help the reader easily grasp the essay's central ideas.
Task Response
The essay presents a balanced discussion of both views related to success, touching upon work ethics and materialistic factors.
Coherence and Cohesion
The introduction and conclusion effectively present and wrap up the essay's core arguments.
Task Response
Main points are generally supported, showing a good effort in explaining ideas related to success and its multifaceted nature.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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