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Band 5.5

Some people feel that governments should control the internet to reduce cybercrime and increase security. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement.

#people #governments #control #internet #cybercrime #security
In our modern day and age, technology has opened new worlds
such
 as online trading and banking which concurrently gave a chance for new forms of criminal activities including cyber frauds and
breach
Fix the agreement mistake
breaches
show examples
 of
security
. Some individuals believe that official national authorities should have direct management of online activities to decrease
such
mischiefs
Fix the agreement mistake
mischief
show examples
. Strong cyber
security
 regulations should be implemented to avoid creating gaps which can be used by criminals rather than leaning on governmental censorship. In
this
 essay, I will discuss
this
 topic and give my opinion. Authorities' figures have a vital role to play in providing the necessary tools to ensure
safe
Correct article usage
the safe
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 use of the internet for their citizens.
For example
, most banking and governmental online services require two different methods of identification which reduces the possibility of hacking.
Furthermore
, in most countries today there are law enforcement sectors which are specialized in handling online crimes.
On the other hand
, some governments
used
Wrong verb form
use
show examples
 the
internet
Capitalize word
Internet
show examples
 against their own citizens.
In other words
, they claimed that their national
security
 is threatened by their enemies which required the need for overt censorship and limited access to information.
As a result
, their citizens used
VPN
Fix the agreement mistake
VPNs
show examples
 and untrusted websites to bypass these obstacles which cyber criminals and hackers used for their activities. In conclusion, authorities' direct control of their population's access to the internet is not going to solve the problem,
on the
contrary
Add a comma
contrary,
show examples
 it will create
further
 issues and opportunities for individuals with bad intentions to expand their wrongful actions. Alternatively, governments should invest more in technological advancements which help strengthen their online safety and
security
.
Submitted by ghadeersulami on

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task response
Try to develop your arguments with specific examples and evidence to enhance your task achievement.
coherence
Use more transitional words to improve the logical flow of ideas between sentences and paragraphs.
cohesion
Consider expanding on the introduction to provide a more detailed preview of the main arguments in the essay.
task response
You've introduced the topic and provided a clear opinion, which strengthens the task achievement.
coherence
Your conclusion effectively summarizes your main points and presents a clear stance, enhancing coherence.
logical structure
The way you've structured the essay contributes to understanding your viewpoint, supporting coherence and cohesion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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