IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

As a result of electronic inventions ,people do less physical activity and this is having a negative effect on their health . To what extent do you agree or disagree

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Nowadays people tend to relax most of their time and not do any activities because of new technological inventions.
As a result
Linking Words
, that causes a major disease in the future .
This
Linking Words
 essay agrees that
technology
Use synonyms
 affects the
children
Use synonyms
's new generation and family communications. On one hand,in 2024 the
children
Use synonyms
's addiction to video games increased .
Therefore
Linking Words
, their energy and mental health are impaired .Our society needs to play together to ban
children
Use synonyms
 under 15 years from various
technology
Use synonyms
 tools .
This
Linking Words
 will result in good mental health generation
also
Linking Words
 they can release their energy in a positive way .
For instance
Linking Words
, playgrounds and swimming pools a perfect places for
this
Linking Words
 age group to have fun and do some physical moves , rather than sitting and watching some electronic screen.
On the other hand
Linking Words
 ,
technology
Use synonyms
 affects family communication , with each person from the family sitting in their room and leaving the others alone .
For example
Linking Words
, the big brothers watch some movies inside his room .
Also
Linking Words
, the father reads some stories on his phone alone ,and the mother calls her friends most of the time .
As a result
Linking Words
, as communications decrease each other
this
Linking Words
 will affect our society in the coming times. In conclusion,
technology
Use synonyms
 affects human health in various ways .
children
Use synonyms
 and families are the most affected by them .In my opinion, I totally agree with the previous reasons.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which is excellent. However, some areas need more logical connections within and between the paragraphs. Try using more linking words to ensure smooth transition between ideas.
coherence cohesion
You introduced your topic clearly and provided a conclusion summarizing your points, which adds to the coherence of your essay. Be sure to elaborate more on the key points in the conclusion to reinforce them.
task achievement
You successfully addressed the task by highlighting the impacts of technology on children's physical activities and family communication. Consider diving deeper into a specific example to add more depth to your argument.
task achievement
Your ideas are mostly clear and relevant to the question. Nevertheless, try to be more precise with your examples and explanations to strengthen your response.
coherence cohesion
The introduction effectively sets the stage for the essay and clearly states your position on the topic.
task achievement
You've done a good job of covering both the impact on children and family communications, providing a balanced view.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: