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Band 6.5

At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?

#time #population #countries #adults #people #situation
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Nowadays, many countries see their populations consist of more young adults than older
people
.
While
this
 creates drawbacks,
such
 as higher necessity for
education
 and job availability, I believe the main benefits,
such
 as a more productive
workforce
 and economic improvement, outweigh the drawbacks. On the one hand, higher demand for
education
 and jobs is the main disadvantage of the high young adult population.
This
 is because
education
 is essential to create well-educated young
people
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 are ready to enter the
workforce
 and
further
 improve their country.
Moreover
, with the high number of young
people
, it is necessary to create decent, well-paid jobs that are accessible to young
people
.
However
, I believe
this
 is essential for a country to reach high economic
growth
.
For example
,
Indonesia
 has implemented various
education
 and economic strategies in order to achieve its goal of "the 2045 Golden Generation" which is when
Indonesia
 reached a population surplus.
On the other hand
, the main advantages of the higher number of young
people
 are a more productive
workforce
 and potential economic improvement. Compared to the elderly, young generations are more productive
due to
 their physical, mental, and social capacities.
As a result
, more
people
 are able to work and generate needed surplus value which is pivotal for a country to achieve good economic
growth
.
For instance
,
Indonesia
 predicts that in 2045, with the productive population higher than the unproductive,
Indonesia
 will achieve substantial economic
growth
, making it one of the biggest economies internationally.
To conclude
, I believe more productive
workforce
 and potential economic
growth
 as the advantages of higher young adults compared to older
people
 in many countries outweigh the disadvantages of the need for more
education
 and accessible jobs.
Submitted by aribawadzaki on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence to guide the reader through your argument.
task achievement
Try to delve deeper into your examples to enhance clarity and depth.
coherence cohesion
Excellent introduction and conclusion that clearly outline the essay’s argument and summary.
task achievement
The essay remains focused on the question and provides a well-rounded argument.
task achievement
Effective use of specific examples related to Indonesia’s demographic trends to support the points.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • demographic
  • workforce
  • productivity
  • innovation
  • skilled labor
  • social development
  • technology
  • dividend
  • competition
  • resources
  • social welfare
  • unrest
  • instability
  • healthcare
  • elderly care
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