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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

‏In many parts of the world, it is common for one parent to stay at home and raise a new born child while other works full time to earn money. Do advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

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‏In recent times
parent
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plays taking
Verb problem
have had
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Care
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 a vital role in
of
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apply
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their
children
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. It is a highly debatable issue whether the benefits of
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parent
Add an article
a parent
the parent
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 in staying at home and
look
Wrong verb form
looking
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for
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after
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 their
a
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apply
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new
bom
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born
 child, or whether it has drawback outcomes. From my
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perspective
prespective
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prespective,
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 I think that the beneficial impact
overpower
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overpowers
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 the detrimental
once
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ones
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.
This
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 essay will outline the merits and demerits of staying with
new
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a new
the new
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 baby. ‏On
one
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the one
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 hand, there are a few disadvantages to the
parent
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 when they
work
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full time
Add a hyphen
full-time
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 to earn money.
First,
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Stress
work
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 has been linked to many mental health issues
such
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 as depression and anxiety.
Parent
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 may
faces
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face
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 difficulties in finding a balance between their
work
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 and their
children
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.
For example
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, my friend Fatma who works in a big company for long hours is suffering from many personal problems. So,
this
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 can
effect
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affect
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 badly in her life. Another disadvantage to be considered is
Children
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's health. The demerits are not limited only to the
parent
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 but
also
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 can be extended
the
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to the
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Children
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.
Due to
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the
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apply
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less
care
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,
Children
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 are not able to get the best treatment and health
care
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. A good example here is people Who
work
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 in
hospital
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hospitals
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 and
forced
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are forced
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 to do
cheft
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theft
 duty and neglect their
children
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. ‏
On the other hand
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, there are many advantages to taking
care
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 of
baby
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the baby
a baby
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. The main
advantages
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advantage
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 is the Safety. Exposing workers to
work
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 full time leads them
definitelly
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definitely
 to bring
housemate
Fix the agreement mistake
housemates
show examples
 to help them in taking
care
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 of their babies. To illustrate, the result of conducting
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a rescach
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rescach
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research
 at Glasgow University
illustrate
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illustrates
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 that 90% of
femal
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female
 employees complained about their
housemate
Fix the agreement mistake
housemates
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.
As a result
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, they feel more comfortable to
stayat
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stay at
stay
 home.
Other
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Another
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 possible advantage is that providing a
relax
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relaxed
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 environment for the mother after getting It promotes
a
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the
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 birth of her new baby.
sersc
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search
 of
comfert
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comfort
. have a
For instance
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, my sister decided to a long holiday after her birth and she said that she felt
that
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apply
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a hundred better than before. ‏In conclusion,
parent
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 has
significant
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a significant
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 impact on their
children
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. They can look
for
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after
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 themself and their
children
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 in
the
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apply
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better ways. They enjoy
calm
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a calm
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envitonment
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environment
.
Therefore
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, the idea of taking full time to earn
mony
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money
 should be stopped.
parent
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 has the priority to provide all the tools to facilitate their child's growth

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Coherence and Cohesion
Work on improving the logical flow of ideas. Use linking words and phrases to smoothly transition between points and ensure that each paragraph leads logically into the next.
Task Achievement
Ensure that you address both sides of the question equally, providing a more balanced discussion of advantages and disadvantages.
Coherence and Cohesion
Use clearer topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to guide the reader through your argument and to clearly state the main idea of each paragraph.
Task Achievement
Include more specific examples and explanations to support your points, illustrating them clearly for the reader.
Coherence and Cohesion
The introduction introduces the topic and outlines your perspective effectively, setting the stage for your arguments.
Coherence and Cohesion
You have included a conclusion that summarizes your opinion and reiterates the main points of the essay, providing a clear ending.
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