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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

‏In many parts of the world, it is common for one parent to stay at home and raise a new born child while other works full time to earn money. Do advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

#‏in #parts #world #parent #home #child #works #time #money
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‏In recent times
parent
plays taking
Verb problem
have had
show examples
Care
 a vital role in
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their
children
. It is a highly debatable issue whether the benefits of
parent
Add an article
a parent
the parent
show examples
 in staying at home and
look
Wrong verb form
looking
show examples
for
Change preposition
after
show examples
 their
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
new
bom
Correct your spelling
born
 child, or whether it has drawback outcomes. From my
Correct your spelling
perspective
prespective
Add a comma
prespective,
show examples
 I think that the beneficial impact
overpower
Change the verb form
overpowers
show examples
 the detrimental
once
Correct your spelling
ones
show examples
.
This
 essay will outline the merits and demerits of staying with
new
Add an article
a new
the new
show examples
 baby. ‏On
one
Correct article usage
the one
show examples
 hand, there are a few disadvantages to the
parent
 when they
work
full time
Add a hyphen
full-time
show examples
 to earn money.
First,
Stress
work
 has been linked to many mental health issues
such
 as depression and anxiety.
Parent
 may
faces
Change the verb form
face
show examples
 difficulties in finding a balance between their
work
 and their
children
.
For example
, my friend Fatma who works in a big company for long hours is suffering from many personal problems. So,
this
 can
effect
Correct your spelling
affect
show examples
 badly in her life. Another disadvantage to be considered is
Children
's health. The demerits are not limited only to the
parent
 but
also
 can be extended
the
Change preposition
to the
show examples
Children
.
Due to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
less
care
,
Children
 are not able to get the best treatment and health
care
. A good example here is people Who
work
 in
hospital
Fix the agreement mistake
hospitals
show examples
 and
forced
Add a missing verb
are forced
show examples
 to do
cheft
Correct your spelling
theft
 duty and neglect their
children
. ‏
On the other hand
, there are many advantages to taking
care
 of
baby
Add an article
the baby
a baby
show examples
. The main
advantages
Fix the agreement mistake
advantage
show examples
 is the Safety. Exposing workers to
work
 full time leads them
definitelly
Correct your spelling
definitely
 to bring
housemate
Fix the agreement mistake
housemates
show examples
 to help them in taking
care
 of their babies. To illustrate, the result of conducting
Correct article usage
a rescach
show examples
rescach
Correct your spelling
research
 at Glasgow University
illustrate
Change the verb form
illustrates
show examples
 that 90% of
femal
Correct your spelling
female
 employees complained about their
housemate
Fix the agreement mistake
housemates
show examples
.
As a result
, they feel more comfortable to
stayat
Correct your spelling
stay at
stay
 home.
Other
Change the wording
Another
show examples
 possible advantage is that providing a
relax
Change the verb form
relaxed
show examples
 environment for the mother after getting It promotes
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 birth of her new baby.
sersc
Correct your spelling
search
 of
comfert
Correct your spelling
comfort
. have a
For instance
, my sister decided to a long holiday after her birth and she said that she felt
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
a hundred better than before. ‏In conclusion,
parent
 has
significant
Add an article
a significant
show examples
 impact on their
children
. They can look
for
Change preposition
after
show examples
 themself and their
children
 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
better ways. They enjoy
calm
Correct article usage
a calm
show examples
envitonment
Correct your spelling
environment
.
Therefore
, the idea of taking full time to earn
mony
Correct your spelling
money
 should be stopped.
parent
 has the priority to provide all the tools to facilitate their child's growth
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Coherence and Cohesion
Work on improving the logical flow of ideas. Use linking words and phrases to smoothly transition between points and ensure that each paragraph leads logically into the next.
Task Achievement
Ensure that you address both sides of the question equally, providing a more balanced discussion of advantages and disadvantages.
Coherence and Cohesion
Use clearer topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to guide the reader through your argument and to clearly state the main idea of each paragraph.
Task Achievement
Include more specific examples and explanations to support your points, illustrating them clearly for the reader.
Coherence and Cohesion
The introduction introduces the topic and outlines your perspective effectively, setting the stage for your arguments.
Coherence and Cohesion
You have included a conclusion that summarizes your opinion and reiterates the main points of the essay, providing a clear ending.
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