IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people think that children are having too much free time and this time should be used to study more. To what extent do you agree with this statement

#people #children #time #study
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Many people argue that
children
 should use their free
time
for studying
Change preposition
to study
show examples
 to gain more knowledge.
While
 I understand
this
 perspective, I disagree with the statement. In my opinion,
children
 benefit from using their free
time
 to explore their
interests
, engage in recreational
activities
, and build social connections with friends.
Firstly
,
children
 are too young to spend the majority of their
time
 on academic work, as they need a balanced range of experiences to support their
overall
 development.
For example
, in countries like Australia, parents often encourage
children
 to spend
time
 outdoors at parks, on playdates with friends
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 or engaged in creative
activities
 like arts and crafts. These experiences allow
children
 to explore various
interests
 and develop skills outside the classroom.
As a result
, these
activities
 not only stimulate creativity but
also
 help build resilience and social skills, which are essential for well-rounded growth.
Secondly
, placing excessive emphasis on studying during childhood can lead to unnecessary stress and pressure.
For instance
, in Indonesia, some parents
enroll
Change the spelling
enrol
show examples
 their
children
 in formal education as early as age 3 or 4.
While
 the intention is to give
children
 a head start,
this
 can cause emotional strain
due to
 their limited capacity to follow instructions and meet academic expectations.
Although
 studying is valuable, pushing
children
 to engage in academics too early may lead to burnout and mental health issues.
Therefore
, a balanced approach that includes play and personal
interests
 is healthier and promotes a more positive attitude toward learning. In conclusion,
although
 some believe that
children
 should use their leisure
time
 to focus on studying, I feel that allowing
children
 to pursue hobbies and enjoy recreational
activities
 fosters essential life skills. By encouraging young people to spend
time
 exploring new
interests
 and playing with friends, we can support their development in a more holistic way.
Submitted by caroot on

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Coherence and Cohesion
Although you have provided coherent arguments, consider including a couple of transition words for smoother flow between ideas, such as: 'Moreover,' or 'In addition,'.
Task Achievement
Your essay is well-structured with an introduction and conclusion, but elaborating slightly more on some examples can enhance clarity.
Task Achievement
The essay provides a balanced response with clear arguments against pressing children to spend too much time studying.
Coherence and Cohesion
Effective introduction and conclusion that clearly state your position, enabling a sense of completeness to the essay.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • detrimental effects
  • mental well-being
  • life skills
  • communication
  • teamwork
  • empathy
  • physical development
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • unstructured play
  • cognitive development
  • academic performance
  • fatigue
  • motivation
  • quality over quantity
  • work-life balance
  • time management
  • well-rounded personality
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