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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The table below describes what kind of part time jobs Korean students had in 2005.

The table below describes what kind of part time jobs Korean students had in 2005.
The table chart illustrates the number of Korean
students
Use synonyms
 having five different part-time
jobs
Use synonyms
 divided into three groups by education degrees in 2005.
Overall
Linking Words
,it can be seen that both middle and high
school
Use synonyms
students
Use synonyms
 tended to apply for
jobs
Use synonyms
 in restaurants the most
whereas
Linking Words
 the university
students
Use synonyms
 group preferred teaching. Looking at the middle and high
school
Use synonyms
students
Use synonyms
,Restaurants and Gas stations became the top two job positions in which both groups were employed.
That is
Linking Words
 to say,around a third of middle
school
Use synonyms
students
Use synonyms
 and half of the high
school
Use synonyms
students
Use synonyms
 applying for restaurant
jobs
Use synonyms
 followed closely by the number of those two groups in the gas stations which were 28 and 40
students
Use synonyms
 respectively. The other three
jobs
Use synonyms
 consisting of teaching,sales and office accounted for less number of
students
Use synonyms
 which were less than 15
students
Use synonyms
 in all three
jobs
Use synonyms
. Moving on to university
students
Use synonyms
,there was an opposite trend.Almost half of these
students
Use synonyms
 were employed in a teaching job.Office and gas station came in second and third place which was 38 and 32
students
Use synonyms
 respectively.
Lastly
Linking Words
,Restaurants and sales had a small minority of
students
Use synonyms
,responsible for 28 and 18
students
Use synonyms
.

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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Basic structure: Change the second paragraph.
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Basic structure: Change the fourth paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words students, jobs, school with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Only 5 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fourth paragraph.
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