The table below describes what kind of part time jobs Korean students had in 2005.

The table below describes what kind of part time jobs Korean students had in 2005.
IELTS Writing Task Chart for The table below describes what kind of part time jobs Korean students had in 2005.
The table chart illustrates the number of Korean
students
Use synonyms
having five different part-time
jobs
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divided into three groups by education degrees in 2005.
Overall
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,it can be seen that both middle and high
school
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students
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tended to apply for
jobs
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in restaurants the most
whereas
Linking Words
the university
students
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group preferred teaching. Looking at the middle and high
school
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students
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,Restaurants and Gas stations became the top two job positions in which both groups were employed.
That is
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to say,around a third of middle
school
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students
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and half of the high
school
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students
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applying for restaurant
jobs
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followed closely by the number of those two groups in the gas stations which were 28 and 40
students
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respectively. The other three
jobs
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consisting of teaching,sales and office accounted for less number of
students
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which were less than 15
students
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in all three
jobs
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. Moving on to university
students
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,there was an opposite trend.Almost half of these
students
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were employed in a teaching job.Office and gas station came in second and third place which was 38 and 32
students
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respectively.
Lastly
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,Restaurants and sales had a small minority of
students
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,responsible for 28 and 18
students
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.

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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Basic structure: Change the second paragraph.
Basic structure: Change the fourth paragraph.
Vocabulary: Replace the words students, jobs, school with synonyms.
Vocabulary: Only 5 basic words for charts were used.
Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 3 times.
Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fourth paragraph.
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