IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people think that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together.

#people #music #cultures #ages
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It is undeniable that
music
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 has always been with us. The invention of the first musical instruments dates back to the Ancient ages when many enthusiasts created something unique which later became an integral part of our everyday life. In fact, melody can not only be wholesome for personal use, but it
also
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 provides huge benefits for society.
For example
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, some claim that melody can unite
public
Correct article usage
the public
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 from various cultural backgrounds and different age groups. I personally strongly agree with the thesis, and
this
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 essay is to prove why. First of all,
music
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 helps humans to face some harsh reality of life.
Although
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 it can boost one’s mood during some sad periods of
the
Correct article usage
apply
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life, some compositions can bring
people
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 of different cultures together and inspire them to keep doing something.
For instance
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, during the Second World War in Russia, when a lot of soldiers of different nationalities and ages used to sing songs
while
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 going to battle, they were, technically,
being
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
united and motivated to fight the enemy.
On the other hand
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,
music
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 is an extremely helpful instrument for getting acquainted with all the
people
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 who are of different races and ages. Various songs at some parties or business meetings help some shier personalities to become braver and approach potential clients or friends, even though there might be a huge generation gap between those
people
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.
Consequently
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,
this
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 can unite new friends or colleagues from different nations. In conclusion, I want to highlight that
music
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 plays an instrumental part in bringing different societies and
people
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 together.
That is
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 why we should value
this
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 important resource.
Submitted by pshenichnikov03 on

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coherence cohesion
Focus on organizing your thoughts more clearly. Each paragraph should have a straightforward main idea that is easily discernible.
coherence cohesion
In your introduction and conclusion, aim for clear, concise statements that mirror each other to some extent, reinforcing your argument's framework.
task achievement
To improve your task response, ensure you're directly addressing the prompt throughout your essay. Reinforce with clearer, more direct statements regarding how music serves as a binding force across cultures and ages.
task achievement
Include more varied and detailed examples that clearly demonstrate how music brings people together. The examples used are good, but further diversification and detail would strengthen your argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • universal language
  • evoke
  • connect
  • diverse audiences
  • cultural exchange
  • generational gaps
  • shared experiences
  • unifying force
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