IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Young people who commit crimes should be treated in the same way as adults by authorities. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #crimes #adults #authorities
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In modern society, the issue of how to handle young offenders is a matter of ongoing debate, with some advocating that they should face the same
punishment
 as adults. In my view,
however
, distinctive measures should be implemented to prevent youth crime, focusing more on rehabilitation than on
punishment
.
Firstly
, a lack of awareness regarding social norms and the serious consequences of criminal activity is the major contributor to juvenile delinquency. By enhancing recognition through media and educational programs, young people can gain a better understanding of acceptable behaviour and develop a greater respect for the law.
Secondly
, I believe that parents and teachers
also
 hold a crucial responsibility for guiding the younger generation. Exposure to violent games or movies may lead some young people to gradually recognize aggression as an acceptable way to release negative emotions, which may result in mimicking behaviours like bullying or yelling at others. It is essential that parents and teachers intervene early to correct
such
 inappropriate behaviours and prevent them from deteriorating.
Finally
, severe punishments,
such
 as prison
sentence
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sentences
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 intended for adults, can lead to an adverse impact on young
person’s
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people’s
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 future by depriving them of educational and employment opportunities.
Instead
, alternatives like community service,
such
 as cleaning the streets,
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 probably a more effective solution.
This
 approach not only fosters a sense of social responsibility but
also
 allows young criminals to continue their education and social interactions without a bad record of severe
punishment
. In conclusion, I completely disagree with the view that there should be the same
punishment
among
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for
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 teenagers and adults who violate laws. I believe that tailored guidance from schools and parents,
along with
 constructive disciplinary measures, is essential in raising awareness and helping young people understand the importance of obeying laws.
Submitted by 18126275033 on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph has a clear central idea to enhance cohesion.
task achievement
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coherence cohesion
The essay effectively includes both an introduction and a conclusion, giving a clear structure.
task achievement
You provide clear reasoning for why young offenders should not be treated the same as adults.

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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