IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

Some people think that woman should take part in the military or the police force, but other oppose to this idea. Discuss both views give your own opinion and examples.

#people #woman #part #police #force #idea
Undoubtedly,
women
 nowadays play a vital role in all the sectors. The ongoing discussion suggests
women
 should
also
 take initiative in military and
defence
 services
while
 others opine the opposite. In my opinion, by introducing
women
 to military and police field will help the society in the best manner possible.
To begin
 with, stepping into
defence
 services will open new door of opportunities for
women
,
further
 it will give them the sense of equality.
In other words
, unlocking a new sector
that is
defence
 forces will enhance the number of jobs available for
women
 to work in.
furthermore
, it will
also
 help female to gain sense of belonging and equality by contributing to the work force which is physically and emotionally challenging for both the gender.
For instance
: recent research by University of Texas claims increased number
women
 in
defence
 services have helped the society to fight the crime rate by more than 23 percent. On other hand, believer of latter statement thinks
women
 should not be the part of police and military force as they are not physically and emotionally capable in comparison to male. As these sectors are challenging it will be difficult for female to perform their duties in optimum manner. To exemplify: New York times claims 78% of
women
 fail physical test in
while
defence
 recruitment process. In conclusion, both believer of former and latter statements has evidence to prove why and why not
women
 should work in
defence
 sector.
However
, I stand firm at my opinion and believe by introducing
women
 to
this
 sector will help society and unlock new opportunities for them.
Submitted by vasudha.gupta0818 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Response
To improve your score in task response, ensure that your essay fully addresses all parts of the task. While you have given your own opinion and discussed both views, try to provide more detailed analysis and explanation of each view before concluding. Expanding on the rationale behind each perspective with more depth can make your argument stronger.
Coherence and Cohesion
For cohesion and coherence, work on linking your ideas more smoothly. While you have a logical structure, there could be smoother transitions between paragraphs and points. Additionally, try varying your sentence structures and using a wider range of cohesive devices to enhance the flow of your essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Participation
  • Diversity
  • Perspectives
  • Inclusion
  • Representative
  • Physical differences
  • Task performance
  • Unit cohesion
  • Gender equality
  • Capabilities
  • Integration
  • Competence
  • Resilience
What to do next:
Look at other essays: