IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some people believe that governments should have access to people’s mobile phone call records and messages for safety reasons. Others believe that this information is private and should not be available without permission. Discuss both these views and give your opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. Write at least 250 words.

#people #governments #access #people’s #phone #records #messages #safety #information #permission
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There has been a contentious debate over whether the government should interfere in
people
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's mobile records. Some
people
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 believe that it is clearly a matter of security,
while
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 others argue that it is a violation of
privacy
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 and totally illicit. Despite the differing views, I am inclined to believe that national security reasons are sufficient to access as much data as necessary. Even though our
privacy
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 is a primary right that we must defend, there might be major threats that require these practices. First and foremost, our
privacy
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 is a right that must be maintained. Despite the institutional concerns, there must be some policies which allow our
privacy
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 to remain, indeed, private.
Therefore
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, our personal
information
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 shouldn't be reviewed by anyone except ourselves. The phone call records and
messages
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 are not the business of the institutions. What is more, it might begin with checking
messages
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 and phone calls and be turned out to acquire a wider amount of
information
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, which is stored in our devices. In order to permit the government to have access to our
information
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, they might seek our consent.
Conversely
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, having access to
people
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's
messages
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 and phone calls, allows the authorities to avoid serious threats to be happening. Nowadays, the news informs us, almost daily, about a new attack or violent act against the citizens, primarily attached to religion, which is considered terrorism. So, in order to steer away from these concerns, the
information
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 gathered from telecommunications (
people
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's
messages
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) is essential.
For instance
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, in 2022 the Spanish police prevented a terrorist attack on Barcelona by wiring the organization behind and tracking all the movements and relationships. Following all the points mentioned above, gathering data is no trifling matter that involves national security. Having said that it's important to control it in order to keep our rights.
Submitted by dar.rodriguez.ramos on

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task achievement
Your essay addresses both views and provides your opinion, which is good for task response. However, make sure to fully develop each point with more specific examples and explanations to strengthen your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Organize your ideas clearly, using paragraphs effectively to separate different points. Your essay generally follows a logical sequence, but ensure each paragraph transitions smoothly into the next.
coherence cohesion
You have provided a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps in summarizing and wrapping up your arguments well.
task achievement
The points discussed are relevant to the topic, and you have included a specific example to illustrate your point about security.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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