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Band 7

Around the world, many adults are working from home, and more children are beginning to study from home because technology has become cheaper and more accessible. Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

#world #adults #home #children #study #technology #development
Nowadays, the advancement of technology has changed the way
people
 work and get an education. They were able to work or learn from home using online applications, which offer more affordable and easy access.
However
, I believe that there is a huge drawback to
this
 because
people
 tend to get more distractions and more
health
problems
To begin
 with, in our house, there is a lot of stuff that can take our attention
such
 as our television, pillow, and other private stuff.
Not to mention
 our members of the family that might distract us in a sudden. Either for workers or students,
this
 is a major problem because in school or in the office, we can get a more focused environment.
For instance
, when we were working in an office,
people
 would not disturb us because they
also
 had some tasks to do.
Secondly
, working and studying virtually will increase our likeliness to get several
health
problems
.
This
 is because we will sit in our chairs all day long from morning to evening, doing no movement at all.
Consequently
,
this
 will lead
people
 to a more passive lifestyle,
therefore
, they are prone to several
health
problems
such
 as migraine and obesity.
For example
, national research in Indonesia indicates that when
people
 spend more than 7 hours a week with minimal movements, they will likely gain a significant amount of weight in just a week. In conclusion, I strongly believe that
this
 new trend of remote working and studying is a negative development because not only does it allow more distraction
while
 working, but
this
also
 promotes more
health
problems
 because of the sedentary lifestyle.
Submitted by 000silr111 on

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Coherence and Cohesion
Work on developing a clearer and more logical flow of ideas throughout the paragraphs. Consider using linking words more efficiently to connect your points.
Task Achievement
Expand on your examples to make them more vivid and support your arguments effectively.
Task Achievement
Try to include counter-arguments to show critical thinking and understanding of different perspectives.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay provides a clear introduction that identifies the issue and presents the writer’s opinion.
Coherence and Cohesion
Good use of structure with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
Task Achievement
The writer effectively identifies key drawbacks of remote work and study, supporting the main argument.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • remote work
  • e-learning
  • accessibility
  • inclusive
  • productivity
  • personalized learning
  • disciplined routine
  • interpersonal skills
  • cybersecurity
  • sustainability
  • work-life balance
  • physical disabilities
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