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Writing Samples
Band 7

Around the world, many adults are working from home, and more children are beginning to study from home because technology has become cheaper and more accessible. Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

#world #adults #home #children #study #technology #development
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Nowadays, the advancement of technology has changed the way
people
Use synonyms
 work and get an education. They were able to work or learn from home using online applications, which offer more affordable and easy access.
However
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, I believe that there is a huge drawback to
this
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 because
people
Use synonyms
 tend to get more distractions and more
health
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problems
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To begin
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 with, in our house, there is a lot of stuff that can take our attention
such
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 as our television, pillow, and other private stuff.
Not to mention
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 our members of the family that might distract us in a sudden. Either for workers or students,
this
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 is a major problem because in school or in the office, we can get a more focused environment.
For instance
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, when we were working in an office,
people
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 would not disturb us because they
also
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 had some tasks to do.
Secondly
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, working and studying virtually will increase our likeliness to get several
health
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problems
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.
This
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 is because we will sit in our chairs all day long from morning to evening, doing no movement at all.
Consequently
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,
this
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 will lead
people
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 to a more passive lifestyle,
therefore
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, they are prone to several
health
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problems
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such
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 as migraine and obesity.
For example
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, national research in Indonesia indicates that when
people
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 spend more than 7 hours a week with minimal movements, they will likely gain a significant amount of weight in just a week. In conclusion, I strongly believe that
this
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 new trend of remote working and studying is a negative development because not only does it allow more distraction
while
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 working, but
this
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also
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 promotes more
health
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problems
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 because of the sedentary lifestyle.
Submitted by 000silr111 on

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Coherence and Cohesion
Work on developing a clearer and more logical flow of ideas throughout the paragraphs. Consider using linking words more efficiently to connect your points.
Task Achievement
Expand on your examples to make them more vivid and support your arguments effectively.
Task Achievement
Try to include counter-arguments to show critical thinking and understanding of different perspectives.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay provides a clear introduction that identifies the issue and presents the writer’s opinion.
Coherence and Cohesion
Good use of structure with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
Task Achievement
The writer effectively identifies key drawbacks of remote work and study, supporting the main argument.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • remote work
  • e-learning
  • accessibility
  • inclusive
  • productivity
  • personalized learning
  • disciplined routine
  • interpersonal skills
  • cybersecurity
  • sustainability
  • work-life balance
  • physical disabilities
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