IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

In some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this?

#cultures #children
It is common these days to witness the growing trend that children are encouraged to make a great effort if they want to manifest anything in various cultures. 
Although
 
this
 might bring about a number of advantages, I believe that there are certain disadvantages that can be gained from 
this
 phenomenon.  On the one hand, it is undeniable that persistence is crucial for youngsters to achieve significant objectives. 
Firstly
, consistent effort enables minors to overcome challenges, allowing them to gain their desire. 
For instance
, Viktor Axelsen has had more than 10 years of training at high intensity, and as a result, he won the gold medal in two consecutive Olympics. 
Secondly
, trying hard is beneficial because it helps young people build resilience, making it easier to handle future obstacles. To illustrate, if a student has success in academic performance 
due to
 investing great effort 
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 learning, he is able to overcome difficulties when he becomes older. 
On the other hand
, 
although
 a resilient mind promotes personal development, 
this
 approach can lead to certain drawbacks. One of them is that persistent endeavours increase the risk of exhaustion and burnout, which are detrimental to both physical and mental health. An epitome that can illustrate excessive practice might cause hyperextension, limiting the movement of young individuals and might cause permanent disability in the worst-case scenario. 
Additionally
, striving incessantly may bring about sleep disorders, reducing the productivity of many young people. 
As a result
, people who spend a lot of time working may suffer from diseases related to the
nervoussystem
Correct your spelling
nervous system
 in the long run. In conclusion, 
although
 the pursuit of personal objectives is indispensable for youth development, it may entail certain limitations.
Submitted by nguthuongnguyen on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

relevant specific examples
Provide specific examples that go beyond well-known figures such as Viktor Axelsen. Consider using a broader range of examples from everyday life or different cultures to support your points more effectively.
clear comprehensive ideas
Develop each idea more thoroughly to ensure the reader fully grasps your perspective. Balance your arguments with equal depth for both advantages and disadvantages.
introduction conclusion present
The essay provides a clear introduction and conclusion, effectively framing the discussion.
logical structure
The structure is logical, with clear demarcation between advantages and disadvantages, making it easy for the reader to follow the argument.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Perseverance
  • Resilience
  • Self-esteem
  • Confidence
  • Goal-setting
  • Work ethic
  • Ambitious
  • Unrealistic expectations
  • Frustration
  • Inadequate
  • Overemphasis
  • Stress
  • Pressure
  • Mental health
  • Resource availability
What to do next:
Look at other essays: