IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some people believe that governments should have access to people’s mobile phone call records and messages for safety reasons. Others believe that this information is private and should not be available without permission.

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The debate over whether
governments
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 should have
access
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 to individuals’ mobile
phone
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records
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 and messages for safety reasons is complex, touching on issues of national
security
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,
privacy
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, and civil liberties. Proponents argue that
such
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access
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 is essential for public safety,
while
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 opponents contend it infringes on personal
privacy
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 and can lead to abuses of power. On one hand, supporters of government
access
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 to mobile
phone
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records
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 argue that it can be a valuable tool for maintaining national
security
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. In today’s world, where organized crime and terrorism often use sophisticated communication methods, the ability to monitor
phone
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records
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 and messages can help authorities identify threats and prevent attacks.
For instance
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, intelligence agencies have been able to disrupt criminal networks by analyzing patterns in
phone
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 communication, which can reveal connections between suspects. From
this
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 perspective, giving
governments
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 the power to monitor communications serves a greater public good and can potentially save lives.
On the other hand
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, opponents argue that unrestricted
access
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 to personal
phone
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records
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 constitutes a severe violation of
privacy
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. They contend that people have a fundamental right to keep their personal conversations and information confidential. Without strict oversight, government
access
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 to personal data can lead to a surveillance state, where citizens feel constantly monitored, which could stifle free speech and individual expression. Historical cases,
such
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 as the NSA surveillance revelations in the United States, illustrate how
such
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 powers can be overused and misapplied, even against innocent citizens.
This
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 risk is particularly high in regimes with limited democratic accountability, where surveillance could be used to silence dissent. In my opinion,
while
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security
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 is undeniably important,
governments
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 should not have unrestricted
access
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 to individuals’
phone
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records
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 and messages.
Instead
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, there should be a balanced approach where authorities can request
access
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 only under specific conditions,
such
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 as a court warrant, which provides a check on potential abuses.
This
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 approach ensures that
security
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 needs are met without sacrificing personal freedoms. In conclusion,
although
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 government
access
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 to
phone
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records
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 can enhance
security
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, it poses a significant threat to
privacy
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. A balanced solution that involves judicial oversight can allow
governments
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 to protect citizens
while
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 respecting their right to
privacy
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.
This
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 approach aligns with democratic principles and prevents the erosion of civil liberties in the name of
security
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.

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task achievement
Ensure to further elaborate on how the balanced approach mentioned would practically work. This will make your argument even more convincing.
task achievement
Consider providing more specific examples or case studies where government access has either helped or infringed on privacy. This will demonstrate a more comprehensive understanding of the issue.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay presents a clear and structured argument, with a well-defined introduction and conclusion summarizing your viewpoints effectively.
coherence and cohesion
The essay maintains logical progression throughout, which contributes to its overall clarity and strength.
task achievement
The discussion on the balance approach to data access is insightful and shows an understanding of the need for both security and privacy.
task achievement
You offered relevant arguments for both sides of the debate, which enhances the depth of your analysis.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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