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Writing Samples
Band 7

Nowadays, more people move away from their friends and families for work. Do advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

In
this
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 modernised world, several individuals are moving away from their friends and families for job opportunities.
Although
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 there are a few benefits of
this
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 situation, I believe the drawbacks are far more, which will be discussed in
this
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 essay. On the one hand, it is advantageous for
people
Use synonyms
 to live apart from their family members.
Firstly
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, when
people
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 are moving to developed cities, they get more job opportunities.
This
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 stance ultimately makes them more independent as they finish their all household chores on their own. They are not relying on others for their tasks.
For instance
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, in India, when
people
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 from under-developed or rural areas are shifting to developed cities
such
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 as Mumbai, they are struggling to get jobs, which teaches them valuable lessons for their lives. On the flip side,
this
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 situation has its own drawbacks. Living away from family members in other cities can lead to
home sickness
Correct your spelling
homesickness
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 and loneliness, which become the cause of several diseases.
Apart from
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this
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, when
people
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 are residing with other cultural ethnicities, they
also
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 find it challenging to celebrate their traditional festivals.
For example
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, in different areas of the world where
people
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 are living alone, they find it quite hard to make friends from their own cultures, to celebrate their traditional rituals on their special cultural occasions.
Consequently
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, more
people
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 feel depressed and stressed in those times, which has an adverse impact on their mental health. In conclusion,
although
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, there are a few advantages of living away from families
such
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 as becoming more managed and independent, I believe, its disadvantages are far more, having a negative impact on their health, which cannot be ignored.

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task achievement
While you express your main ideas well, consider elaborating on your examples to further clarify your points and enhance the overall quality of your argument.
coherence and cohesion
To improve coherence, try using more linking words and phrases to connect your ideas more smoothly and enhance the flow of your writing.
coherence and cohesion
Your paragraphs need to have clearer topic sentences to help readers understand the main idea of each section right from the beginning.
content
The essay presents a clear opinion and is well-structured with distinct paragraphs.
content
You have provided a relevant example, which illustrates your point effectively.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • career advancement
  • job opportunities
  • job market
  • salaries
  • personal growth
  • cultural horizons
  • adaptability
  • resilience
  • global perspective
  • emotional and psychological impact
  • loved ones
  • loneliness
  • homesickness
  • support network
  • long-distance relationships
  • emotional strain
  • face-to-face interactions
  • financial cost
  • housing deposits
  • travel costs
  • living expenses
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