IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Nowadays many families moves overseas for job opportunities. Some people think its beneficial for the children of these families, while others think children will find it difficult. Discuss both view and give your opinion.

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In the modern world, many parents change their jobs to get better opportunities. A fraction of people think it's beneficial for kids of their families. At the same time, some others show the opposite that children will find it difficult. In
this
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 essay, we will discuss both points of view and draw my personal conclusion. On the one hand, several families move to other regions for more chances in their careers
such
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 as get a promotion in a new organisation and they are required to transfer to other cities to live in.
For example
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, many employees get offers from other countries to employ them because of their experience.
In addition
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, it's possible to work in a modern city with development services and essentials after accepting
this
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 contract. So,
that is
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 why some people agree that it's the best choice to search for the best situation to improve their future.
On the other hand
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, many children argue that decision because it's difficult to change their environment every period.
For instance
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, Asian areas have different education plans to teach their teenagers and kids. Sometimes, it's uncomfortable for outside students.
However
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, there are differences between some cultures in countries.
As a result
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, it's hard to adapt in a lot of families.
Thereafter
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.
This
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 proves clearly that the primary challenge is to adapt to a new society. In conclusion, after analysis of both points of view. I agree with the second statement.
Although
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 it's a big change in the family's situation, we should give importance to kids' opinions.

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task achievement
Try to include a stronger example or evidence to support your points, particularly in the argument that it is difficult for children. This could be an anecdote or a study result.
task achievement
Work on developing your ideas further. Some points are introduced but not sufficiently expanded upon. Ensure ideas are elaborated with specific examples or details.
coherence cohesion
Ensure better transitions between paragraphs and ideas to improve the logical flow. Use words like 'furthermore', 'in contrast', 'likewise' to connect ideas more cohesively.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear introduction and conclusion, which nicely frames the discussion.
task achievement
You've included points from both sides of the argument, which is a good approach to fully addressing the topic.
coherence cohesion
The essay's structure shows an understanding of essay patterns, indicating a good logical progression.
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