IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Many people today find they have insufficient time to spend with their families, bacause of pressures of work.What problems does this create for individuals and their families?what solutions can you propose ?which would be the most effective solution, in your view?

#people #time #families #bacause #pressures #work #create #individuals
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Some workers at these times have a deficiency in time to spend with their
families
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due to
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 the
pressures
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 of
work
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. Owing to
this
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, many parents divorced because they do not meet each other, and negative attitudes from the workers towards their
families
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.
Firstly
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, there are plenty of couples who divorce because of the
pressures
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 caused by
work
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,
such
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 as not giving sufficient time to people to talk with their wives and
families
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.
Secondly
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, people behave badly, when they come from a lot of
work
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 and pressure. To illustrate, a study showed the proportion of the parents who got divorced because of
pressures
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 at
work
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 in the
last
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 decade, was formidably increasing to 500
families
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 in a year (it was 100).
To begin
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 with solutions, there are many solutions that can tackle
this
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 obstacle, starting with, let individuals taking awareness campaigns to raise it because half of the citizens do not have any idea what
pressures
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 can do and the required knowledge about the consequences of negative behaviour on other people, from my perspective,
this
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 is the most viable solution.
Besides
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, the following solution may address the difficulty,
however
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, it could decrease the family income which is quitting the job and finding another one with less
work
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.
For instance
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, research conducted 5 years ago, talked about the reduction of problems for the workers, the topmost reason was leaving the job for another one.
To conclude
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, the
pressures
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 of
work
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 can lead to divorce,
on the contrary
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, a rising mindset can solve that.
Submitted by bajahzar90 on

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Coherence & Cohesion
To enhance coherence, ensure each paragraph smoothly transitions into the next. The structure is mostly logical, but connecting sentences in places could strengthen the overall flow.
Task Achievement
Consider expanding on the solutions proposed—such as providing more detailed steps on raising awareness—to give a fuller response to each part of the prompt.
Task Achievement
When discussing examples like the research on job changes, providing more context or details would enhance the clarity and strength of the arguments.
Introduction & Conclusion
The essay's introduction and conclusion effectively outline and summarize the main ideas, providing a clear frame for your argument.
Task Achievement
Your ideas address the task requirements well, exploring both problems and solutions with relevant contexts.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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