Successful sport professionals earn a great deal more money than people in other important professions. Some people think this is fully justified, while others think it is unfair. Discuss both views and give your opinion
Earning a huge
amount
of money
for a successful sport has become a vital issue of debate. While
some individuals believe that it is fair, others would argue that they must not earn this
amount
of money
. Both sides of the argument have highlighted noticeable viewpoints which will be discussed by following my own view.
Firstly
, being a professional sporty needs long years
of practice and effort
. Although
some people
believe that they earn more money
than must earn, many individuals agree with this
amount
over earning money
. It is clear that
these professional people
have made an excessive effort
to meet their needs and goals over the years
, So it is crucial to support and encourage them with countless money
in order to achieve their goals. Therefore
, these achievements not only bring a sense of pride for both societies
and sports as a whole but can also
lead to various benefits for societies
. A prime illustration of this
is David Beckham, a professional football player who has become dramatically well-known over the years
, his achievements contribute to financial income for societies
too, due to
the fact that his fanners are completely interested in spending a significant amount
of money
to meet him for just a short time. As a result
, this
kind of desire, yields stream money
to his born country.
On the other hand
, societies
and communication have faced numerous challenges in various sectors, such
as the healthcare sector. Thus
, if governments earn a huge amount
of money
for these individuals, this
trend will significantly lead to harmful consequences. In other words
, although
achieving fame gradually, requires many years
of effort
, other careers such
as doctors and nurses are more essential for societies
. For instance
, due to
the pandemic period, if doctors and health sector personalities had not made numerous efforts to help people
, the number of deaths would become significantly higher. As a result
, many people
in these careers and professions are fairer to earn a lot
Add the preposition
lot of
money
.
In conclusion, it is highlighted that there are various opinions about the amount
of money
for professional spots. While
some people
agree with this
earning countless money
for those who make an excessive effort
to achieve goals, others disagree and believe that other professional careers such
as being a doctor or nurse require much more attention. I strongly agree with the second view.Submitted by mahanz on
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Task Achievement
Although the essay addresses both views and provides an opinion, it could benefit from more balanced and deeper analysis. Consider providing more equally detailed arguments for both sides.
Task Achievement
Ensure that each paragraph supports its main idea more thoroughly with further elaboration and evidence. This will make your points more convincing.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay has a logical structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, ensuring smoother transitions between some ideas can enhance cohesion.
Coherence and Cohesion
Consider using linking words and phrases more effectively to enhance the flow and organization of your essay.
Task Achievement
Addresses both sides of the debate and provides a clear opinion in the conclusion.
Coherence and Cohesion
There is a logical progression of ideas from the introduction to the conclusion.
Task Achievement
Relevant examples, such as David Beckham and the healthcare sector, are provided to support your points.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example