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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people believe music plays an important role in society, while others think it is only a form of entertainment for individuals. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#people #music #role #society #form #entertainment #individuals
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These days, there is a widespread disagreement on the issue of whether
music
 has positive impacts on human
life
 or is just a tool for entertaining people.
While
 some contend that it has just entertainment consumption, I firmly believe that
music
 has had beneficial impacts on people and the whole of society.
This
 essay will explore both perspectives and illustrate why
music
 is
such
 essential. On the one hand, some feel that
music
 has no vital importance in individuals’ lives like food or education. It is usually played for dancing at parties or during sports and walking. So, its absence would cause no significant disruption or harm in everyday
life
.
Additionally
, some countries even have taken a prohibitionist approach toward playing
music
while
 driving cars. Because, it distracts drivers’ attention, resulting in fatal accidents.
This
 perspective so highlights the belief that
music
 is non-essential in
life
.
Nonetheless
, I strongly believe that
music
 has had a considerable role in curing illnesses and enhancing the quality of
life
. It has been scientifically proven that listening to
music
 increases the released dopamine in the brain, leading to increased efficiency of its performance and other organs in the body.
Similarly
, it has numerous medical applications.
According to
 research done in York City Hospital in 2010, playing light suites to sufferers of heart attack in ICU increased their improvement speed to 30% compared to those who experienced the same disease.
Thus
, paying more attention to
music
 could have an effective and advantageous impact on society. By way of conclusion, I once again reaffirm my position that
music
 is not redundant at all, rather, have the capability to improve the quality of
life
 for all creatures. I think integrating
music
 into other fields instantly education and work would be entirely justified.
Submitted by golriiz.azizi1991 on

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task achievement
Ensure to address all aspects of the task, and clearly explain contrasting viewpoints before clearly stating your position. Integrate relevant examples to support your perspective further.
coherence cohesion
Though your logical structure is commendable, make smoother transitions between paragraphs to enhance overall cohesion. Consider linking ideas more seamlessly to provide better flow.
introduction conclusion present
Your introduction is engaging and effectively outlines the scope and purpose of the essay. Additionally, your conclusion sufficiently reiterates your position, which strengthens your argument.
logical structure
The essay presents a coherent structure, dividing different views into distinct paragraphs, which aids the reader's comprehension.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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