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Band 5

One of the consequences of improved medical care is that people are living longer and life expectancy is increasing. Do you think the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

#consequences #care #people #life #expectancy #outweigh
Now
people
 are able to live more than before and whole
life
 expectancy is expanding. The main reason
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
this
 statement is
an
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 improvement of medicine. In my point of view, there are
much
Correct quantifier usage
many
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 more
outweighing
Correct word choice
apply
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pros than cons. I am going to explain
this
 in the essay. On the one hand, humanity has a great opportunity to develop the
world
, because now it has more
time
 for education and improving living conditions. Earlier
people
 could not study and did not have any chances to enjoy their lives. Only rich men were able to work and do what they
want
Wrong verb form
wanted
show examples
.
However
, nowadays humans have enough
time
 to make
life
 better.
Furthermore
,
population
Add an article
the population
a population
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 can spend more
time
 on entertainment.
For instance
, in Japan citizens have been working since their birth. But
currently
Add a comma
currently,
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 they can relax and visit
whole
Change the article
the whole
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world
 in retirement
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 because
life
Correct your spelling
lifetime
show examples
time
 has increased.
On the other hand
, the number of
people
 on Earth is
expending
Correct your spelling
expanding
show examples
. Soon humanity will not find
necessary
Correct article usage
the necessary
show examples
 products for
life
.
Moreover
,
according to
 scientists in the
future
Add a comma
future,
show examples
 the ecology of the planet will get so terrible, that
people
 will not even be able to survive.
Finally
, if medical workers find
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 way to make immortal humans, the whole
world
 will be so overpopulated that
people
 must kill each other to clear the area. In conclusion,
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 current generation has an excellent chance to develop the planet by giving more living
time
 for
people
. In my opinion,
this
 opportunity will change the
world
 in the right way. Humanity really needs to spend it to make
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 brilliant memory with friends and family. (267 words)
Submitted by kanchanakularathna1991 on

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task achievement
Try to develop your ideas and arguments a bit further to ensure you are fully addressing the prompt's complexities.
coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph has clear topic sentences and transitions for smoother readability.
task achievement
The essay presents both advantages and disadvantages of increased life expectancy, which contributes to a balanced response.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion help to frame the essay effectively, providing a clear start and a thoughtful ending.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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