IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Many people are now opting to provide technology companies with their personal data in exchange for access to software. Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages? (277)

#people #technology #companies #data #exchange #access #software #outweigh
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
An increasing number of
people
Use synonyms
 nowadays are willing to share their personal information with technological companies to gain access to the
software
Use synonyms
.
Although
Linking Words
 trading personal
data
Use synonyms
 for
software
Use synonyms
 can benefit
people
Use synonyms
to facilitate
Change preposition
by facilitating
show examples
 them with explicit features, I believe that it can be dangerous
due to
Linking Words
 the potential threat it can impose
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the digital security of an individual. Exclusive features of a particular website enable
people
Use synonyms
 to accomplish their tasks in an easier manner which is one of the significant advantages of exchanging personal
data
Use synonyms
 for
website
Add an article
a website
the website
show examples
.
That is
Linking Words
 to say that there are numerous websites with specific coding that allow
people
Use synonyms
 to finish their tasks with convenience that could have
had
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
otherwise
Linking Words
 taken vigorous manual inputs.
For instance
Linking Words
, domain.ca is one of the famous
software
Use synonyms
, especially benefiting individuals to build their website in a couple of minutes for their e-commerce business.
However
Linking Words
, I think that
this
Linking Words
 trend outweighs
disadvantages
Correct article usage
the disadvantages
show examples
than
Correct word choice
and
show examples
 advantages. One of the major drawbacks of sharing one’s own
data
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as email address, phone number or house address to get
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
software
Use synonyms
 is that it unlocks the secrecy of a person.
This
Linking Words
 is because if a company to which
an information
Remove the article
information
a piece of information
show examples
 is disclosed is not legit can access banking details and can
also
Linking Words
 misuse the
data
Use synonyms
 for
their
Correct pronoun usage
its
show examples
 perspective benefit.
For instance
Linking Words
, it can be generally seen that corporations claiming to be legit are indulged in scamming
people
Use synonyms
 through text messages and
fraud
Replace the word
fraudulent
show examples
 e-mails. For these reasons, the drawback of
this
Linking Words
 scenario has a greater potential impact on the life of an individual. In conclusion, exchanging personal
data
Use synonyms
 for
software
Use synonyms
 provides
people
Use synonyms
 with
Correct article usage
the advantages
show examples
advantages
Fix the agreement mistake
advantage
show examples
 of finishing their
task
Fix the agreement mistake
tasks
show examples
 with ease;
however
Linking Words
, I think the disadvantage of misusing personal information by random companies outweighs its benefits.
Submitted by sakshisyal on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Ensure that each main point is fully developed with specific examples or explanations. While the essay addresses the task question, providing more detailed examples of both the advantages and the potential security threats can enhance the argument.
coherence cohesion
Enhance the logical flow between sentences and ideas by using more linking words and phrases. This can help with the clarity of the argument and the reader's understanding.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, providing a strong framework for the argument.
task achievement
The writer presents a balanced view by acknowledging both advantages and disadvantages before stating their opinion, which is in line with what the task demands.
coherence cohesion
The main points are presented in a clear structure, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: