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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some people think that schools are too competitive and that this has a negative impact on children. Others believe the competitive environment encourages children to achieve. Discuss both these views and give your opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#people #schools #impact #children #environment
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In our modern day and age, school students are expected to achieve academic excellence in order to have better professional opportunities in the future which has increased
competition
 among students. Some parents find
this
competition
 a healthy and necessary trigger for their kids to accomplish great goals
while
 others believe it causes unfavourable impacts on their children. People need to face challenges in order to bring the best out of them and it is an innate trait in human beings to be the best in their social circle.
For example
, the US and the Soviet Union both competed against each other for dominance in politics and scientific advancements and both countries were challenging each other to explore space and send an expedition to the moon. It can be denied that without
this
 need to dominate and be the best, our human race would have not accomplished the great things it did over the years.
However
,
while
competition
 acts as the fuel that feeds our desire to be the best at what we do, it can harm our relationships with other people and cause significant stress and anxiety. In the previous example I mentioned regarding the US and The Soviet Union, the
competition
 was not all peaceful and friendly, it led to an extensive disagreement between the two nations which eventually started a war.
Furthermore
, the continuous need to be the best compared to colleagues, can be overwhelming over time and cause distress. In conclusion, people need
competition
 in order to improve and challenge themselves but ,as
everything
Change preposition
with everything
show examples
 in life, it has to be in moderation and toward a specific goal so we do not lose perspective and harm others.
Submitted by ghadeersulami on

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task achievement
Your essay addresses the topic well, discussing both views on school competition comprehensively. However, consider elaborating more on specific impacts of competition on children's mental well-being to strengthen depth.
coherence cohesion
The structure of your essay is logical, with a clear introduction, body, and conclusion. To enhance cohesion, try using more linking words to smoothly connect your ideas.
task achievement
Your essay presents both perspectives on competition in education effectively, supporting the argument with relevant examples such as the US and Soviet Union space race.
coherence cohesion
The introduction effectively sets up the discussion, and the conclusion nicely summarizes your stance while offering a balanced viewpoint.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • undue stress
  • academic achievement
  • critical thinking
  • interpersonal skills
  • unhealthy rivalries
  • social isolation
  • bullying
  • reduced collaboration
  • motivation
  • achieve their goals
  • resilience
  • perseverance
  • innovation
  • improvement
  • outperform
  • higher standards
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