IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

In some countries, people who are unemployed receive a sum of money each week in the form of a benefit, while some support this, other people believe that this money should not be given. Discuss both points of view and give your own point of view

#countries #people #sum #money #week #form #benefit #support #points #point
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The unemployed tend to receive
money
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 as a benefit from the government in some countries.
While
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 some support
such
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 a payment, others believe that
this
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money
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 should not be given.
Although
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 in some cases
this
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 support can actually be helpful since everyone can get in bad circumstances, there are
also
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 some potential drawbacks like
people
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's desire not to develop themselves and rely solely on
this
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 amount of
money
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 and continue to be poor.
This
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 essay checks the validity of both points and presents my own opinion. On the one hand,
this
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 form of a benefit can be actually beneficial because it ensures that every person is provided with all his necessities.
People
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 can not predict the future and they are always scared;
therefore
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,
this
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 form of
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
benefit will provide them with a great source of civic pride and confidence that the next day will actually happen. It
also
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 instils a sense of unity in
people
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 since they know that the government cares for them and it might result in them thinking that they owe a debt to the country.
For example
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, in Kazakhstan, even a schoolboy can get social payments if he wants it but in moderation.
On the other hand
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,
this
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 very technique might lead to potential setbacks since it guarantees that every unemployed individual will receive some funding.
Therefore
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, after receiving
this
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money
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 he might start to think that he does nothing and gets these benefits and exchange which will result in his constant desire to stay unemployed.
For example
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, many
people
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 in Hawaii become homeless on purpose just in order to get grant
money
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 and benefits from the government. In conclusion, I think that
this
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 form of support is essential but it needs to be in moderation to ensure that
money
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 is really transferred to the person who needs it the most and not the lazy one.
Submitted by shermadovs on

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task achievement
Ensure that arguments for both sides are equally developed. Consider providing more examples or explanations to strengthen the position against unemployment benefits.
task achievement
Work on expanding the range of vocabulary and grammatical structures to strive for a higher band score.
coherence cohesion
Improve transitions between paragraphs to ensure better flow and logical progression.
coherence cohesion
The essay presents a clear introduction and conclusion, effectively framing the discussion.
coherence cohesion
The main points are well-supported, particularly the point about unemployment benefits providing security.
task achievement
The writer effectively balances discussing two perspectives and includes a personal viewpoint.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Unemployment benefits
  • Safety net
  • Financial insecurity
  • Poverty
  • Economic stability
  • Disincentive
  • Financial burden
  • Job training programs
  • Employability
  • Root causes of unemployment
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