IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people believe that it is important to spend a lot of money on family celebrations while others believe it's a waste of money. Discuss both views

#people #money #celebrations #waste
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A common view
believe
Verb problem
is
show examples
 that it is crucial to spend
much
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
money
 on family celebrations,
such
 as
birthday
Fix the agreement mistake
birthdays
show examples
 or
anniversary
Fix the agreement mistake
anniversaries
show examples
. Meanwhile, others do not think so because it
just
Add a missing verb
is just
show examples
waste
Correct article usage
a waste
show examples
 of
money
. By spending
money
 on family, family members can be more close.
However
, not all
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
people have
money
 to celebrate family celebrations. To start with, family parties can gather all of the big families in one place and one celebration. A family that has many members live in different regions. So, they are willing to put much effort and
money
to attend
Change preposition
into attending
show examples
 family parties.
For example
, my cousin
was
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
held a wedding reception and he lives in Kalimantan
while
 most of us live in Jakarta.
However
, we were very excited to attend even though the
airplane
Change the spelling
aeroplane
show examples
 ticket was very expensive. As long as we can celebrate together,
money
 does not become a problem. On the flip side, sometimes people only can
fulfill
Change the spelling
fulfil
show examples
 their primary needs or do not have
money
 for family events. Obviously, the primary needs that they will
fulfill
Change the spelling
fulfil
show examples
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 food, electricity, water, clothes, etc. Even, there is no
money
 left for family events.
For instance
, my friend can not attend to her grandparents' wedding anniversary because her
salary
Add a verb
salary is
salary was
show examples
 only sufficient for herself.
To conclude
, it is debatable
about expending
Verb problem
whether to spend
show examples
 a lot of
money
 on family events or just waste it. After considering two views, which are family can gather and more close
while
 sometimes they do not have
money
. I prefer to consider
people
Change noun form
people's
show examples
financial
Replace the word
finances
show examples
, if the
money
 is enough
then
 they have to celebrate family parties.
Submitted by wishmeluck  on

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task achievement
Try to expand your introduction with a general statement about family celebrations before presenting both views.
coherence cohesion
Ensure your arguments flow logically by using linking words such as ‘Firstly’, ‘Moreover’, ‘On the other hand’, etc.
task achievement
Provide more detailed examples that are directly related to each argument to strengthen your position.
task achievement
The essay does well in providing specific examples, such as the wedding reception in Kalimantan, which helps to illustrate the points made.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points discussed, and provides a personal perspective.
coherence cohesion
The essay is structured with clear paragraphing, which helps the audience follow the flow of ideas better.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • cherish
  • nurture
  • strengthen
  • bond
  • create memories
  • enjoyment
  • sense of belonging
  • reconnect
  • unite
  • traditions
  • create traditions
  • financial burden
  • priorities
  • moderation
  • budget
  • frugal
  • extravagant
What to do next:
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