IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people argue that it is the responsibility of the police to educate children about good behavior, whereas others believe that parents should be responsible for children. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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In our contemporary era, it is acknowledged by some people that moral ethics need to be educated by the police,
whereas
Linking Words
 others argue that families should take care of
behavioural
Correct article usage
the behavioural
show examples
 education of their children. In my opinion, child development starts at the early stage in families and parents should be responsible
to teach
Change preposition
for teaching
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 what is good or bad,
in addition
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, educational institutions should collaborate with them
at
Change preposition
during
show examples
middle
Correct article usage
the middle
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 and high
school
Use synonyms
 stages. In the modern world, after experiencing various violence, more and more people request
from
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their local police department to arrange disciplinary courses for the younger generation.
Moreover
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, they would like them to take the responsibility
on
Change preposition
of
show examples
 educating young people and changing their attitudes.
For example
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, in the Russian city of Arsk, in 2011, after a crime committed by juveniles in the city centre, domestic policies decided to provide theoretical and practical classes for the youth incorporating moral ethics and traditional values.
As a result
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, statistics of the youngsters' crime rates significantly declined by 35% in two years.
On the other hand
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, individuals' development begins at the family stage, inheriting all values and traditions from their ancestors.
Furthermore
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, during their student
lifes
Correct your spelling
life
lives
,
Use synonyms
school's
Correct article usage
the school's
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 pastoral care and wellbeing management system
play
Correct subject-verb agreement
plays
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 a vital role
to fulfil
Change preposition
in fulfilling
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 their behavioral needs and significantly
improve
Wrong verb form
improving
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 their attitudes.
For instance
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, in Kazan, in 2010, one boarding
school
Use synonyms
 designed
Correct article usage
a students
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students
Fix the agreement mistake
student
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 behaviour system to follow up
their
Change preposition
on their
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 progression and notify parents
with
Change preposition
of
show examples
 any results.
Additionally
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, parents were in charge of conducting extra educational
works
Fix the agreement mistake
work
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 at home like
20 minute
Add a hyphen
20-minute
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 conversations and active games to strengthen their relationships.
Hence
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, pupils of the
school
Use synonyms
 graduated with outstanding results accompanied by exceptional etiquette. In conclusion,
modern
Correct article usage
the modern
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communty
Correct your spelling
community
argue
Correct subject-verb agreement
argues
show examples
 that the police should take action to teach the youth how to behave properly.
Nevertheless
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, others, including myself, think that adults should be responsible
to tackle
Change preposition
for tackling
show examples
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
this
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 issue.

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task response
The essay presents a complete response to the task, covering both views and offering a personal opinion. However, the introduction could be made clearer by directly stating the aim of the essay and briefly mentioning the structure.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph discusses a single main idea. The second body paragraph could be more focused if it only talks about parental and school responsibilities without digressing into specific examples.
coherence cohesion
Add more elaboration and clarity to the ideas presented. For example, you can explain in more detail why parents and educational institutions should play a role and how they complement each other.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a logical structure with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, making it easy to follow.
task response
Good use of examples to support the arguments, like the case studies from Arsk and Kazan, which add credibility to the points made.
task response
The essay addresses the task effectively by presenting both sides of the argument and offering a well-reasoned personal opinion.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • responsibility
  • educating
  • good behavior
  • role
  • primary
  • collaboration
  • well-rounded
  • education
  • enforcing
  • balancing
  • advantages
  • disadvantages
  • mentor
  • guidance
  • discipline
  • supportive
  • law enforcement
  • positive influence
  • legal authority
  • parental involvement
  • community-oriented
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