Some people argue that it is the responsibility of the police to educate children about good behavior, whereas others believe that parents should be responsible for children. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

In our contemporary era, it is acknowledged by some people that moral ethics need to be educated by the police,
whereas
others argue that families should take care of
behavioural
Correct article usage
the behavioural
show examples
education of their children. In my opinion, child development starts at the early stage in families and parents should be responsible
to teach
Change preposition
for teaching
show examples
what is good or bad,
in addition
, educational institutions should collaborate with them
at
Change preposition
during
show examples
middle
Correct article usage
the middle
show examples
and high
school
stages. In the modern world, after experiencing various violence, more and more people request
from
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their local police department to arrange disciplinary courses for the younger generation.
Moreover
, they would like them to take the responsibility
on
Change preposition
of
show examples
educating young people and changing their attitudes.
For example
, in the Russian city of Arsk, in 2011, after a crime committed by juveniles in the city centre, domestic policies decided to provide theoretical and practical classes for the youth incorporating moral ethics and traditional values.
As a result
, statistics of the youngsters' crime rates significantly declined by 35% in two years.
On the other hand
, individuals' development begins at the family stage, inheriting all values and traditions from their ancestors.
Furthermore
, during their student
lifes
Correct your spelling
life
lives
,
school's
Correct article usage
the school's
show examples
pastoral care and wellbeing management system
play
Correct subject-verb agreement
plays
show examples
a vital role
to fulfil
Change preposition
in fulfilling
show examples
their behavioral needs and significantly
improve
Wrong verb form
improving
show examples
their attitudes.
For instance
, in Kazan, in 2010, one boarding
school
designed
Correct article usage
a students
show examples
students
Fix the agreement mistake
student
show examples
behaviour system to follow up
their
Change preposition
on their
show examples
progression and notify parents
with
Change preposition
of
show examples
any results.
Additionally
, parents were in charge of conducting extra educational
works
Fix the agreement mistake
work
show examples
at home like
20 minute
Add a hyphen
20-minute
show examples
conversations and active games to strengthen their relationships.
Hence
, pupils of the
school
graduated with outstanding results accompanied by exceptional etiquette. In conclusion,
modern
Correct article usage
the modern
show examples
communty
Correct your spelling
community
argue
Correct subject-verb agreement
argues
show examples
that the police should take action to teach the youth how to behave properly.
Nevertheless
, others, including myself, think that adults should be responsible
to tackle
Change preposition
for tackling
show examples
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
this
issue.
Submitted by gainutdin87 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
The essay presents a complete response to the task, covering both views and offering a personal opinion. However, the introduction could be made clearer by directly stating the aim of the essay and briefly mentioning the structure.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph discusses a single main idea. The second body paragraph could be more focused if it only talks about parental and school responsibilities without digressing into specific examples.
coherence cohesion
Add more elaboration and clarity to the ideas presented. For example, you can explain in more detail why parents and educational institutions should play a role and how they complement each other.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a logical structure with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, making it easy to follow.
task response
Good use of examples to support the arguments, like the case studies from Arsk and Kazan, which add credibility to the points made.
task response
The essay addresses the task effectively by presenting both sides of the argument and offering a well-reasoned personal opinion.

Ultimate Speaking practice for IELTS

Practice speaking step by step, answer real-life questions, and build your confidence. Start your free trial and improve your speaking skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • responsibility
  • educating
  • good behavior
  • role
  • primary
  • collaboration
  • well-rounded
  • education
  • enforcing
  • balancing
  • advantages
  • disadvantages
  • mentor
  • guidance
  • discipline
  • supportive
  • law enforcement
  • positive influence
  • legal authority
  • parental involvement
  • community-oriented
What to do next:
Look at other essays:

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!